WASHINGTON, D.C. – The hospital administrators at Great American Hospital (GAH) are shaking in their suits today as hundreds of RNs are picketing outside. Their complaint: a recent overhaul requiring nurses to care for no more than four patients per shift.

The change in hospital policy was long overdue, according to Barry Wolfman, CEO of the hospital. “It seemed like our nurses were so busy all the time, some did not even get to take their required 30-minute breaks! Having more than 4 patients is far too much work for one person to accomplish in a twelve hour shift.”

Despite the CEO’s confident affirmation of the new policy, it is certainly not well received by the hospital’s nursing staff.

“What am I going to do all day if I’m not running around pulling my hair out with tasks? And who is going to constantly ask me for juice and crackers?” screamed Emma Grullon, a seasoned staff nurse.

“It’s insulting, really! Four patients? They think I can’t take care of more than four patients in one day? I can deal with seven, eight, nine even!” yelled another RN, who refused to state her name.

One nurse, a new graduate, was abruptly removed by security from the picketing party outside of the hospital. Sources claim that the new grad supported the policy, stating that she will have more time with each of her patients, and that they will all be safer as a result. Her ignorance enraged the party, putting her in immediate and justified danger.

“She’s still a kid, she doesn’t even know what she’s doing!” The group yelled.

The new policy at GAH was implemented three days ago, with the strike beginning just hours afterward. The strike caused a complete halt to all patient care, and the hospital has shut its doors for the time being. It is as if a hospital cannot effectively function without happy nurses.

HAYS, KS – Earlier today Ellie Opter was flabbergasted upon the realization that there were other people on the medical floor that her mother Gladys had been admitted to. “I sat here and timed the IV pump beeping for five minutes. FIVE MINUTES! And it took that long for the nurse to finally deign to come fix it.” When Ellie was informed this was actually a floor record and the nurse in question would be rewarded with an in-shift bathroom break she was further appalled. “She can pee on her own time, when this IV beeps she needs to be here pronto.”

“I informed her I was in an isolation room at the end of the hall starting a scheduled IV dose of vanco and that I got here as soon as I left that room and heard the beeping as I headed to the nurses’ station to document the medicine was given,” Nurse Ola Werkt described her side of the story while clutching her bathroom pass with both hands, other nurses hovering behind her like vultures.

“When she heard I was taking care of another patient her eyes widened and her mouth fell agape. She had no idea there were other people admitted to the hospital. She started slowly wondering up and down the hall peeking into rooms, we had to ask her to return to her mother’s room in order to prevent a HIPAA violation. What she saw floored her though; she had no idea that there were other sick people here.”

Ellie rested in the recliner her mother’s room, slowly stroking her hand to distract her from yelling racist remarks at Fox News. “It was just unbelievable, that this institution would endanger my mother’s life in such a fashion. Letting other sick people be so close to her in her delicate state.

Furthermore, that these people are allowed to distract the nurses, NAY THE PHYSICIANS from caring for sweet sweet mother is just negligent.” As Gladys began throwing grapes at the TV and muttering about birth certificates, Ellie did the best she could given the circumstances. “Mother you need to stop thrashing around or you are going to break your other fibula….I’m the only one here who can save you…. I… am your only hope.”

ATTLEBORO, MA – A recent study shows that oxygen administration is significantly less effective for patients who wear their nasal cannulas as a headband.

Nasal cannulas are traditionally placed inside the nares, possibly causing mild discomfort but allowing the necessary oxygen to freely flow directly into the body through the nose.  However, patients have found new and clever ways to wear their nasal cannulas: as headbands, necklaces, or even one-sided earrings.

Given the increase in patients’ demands to wear nasal cannulas in the most creative and ineffective way possible, nurses Erin Rose and Kerry Ryan decided to conduct their own study to determine the best way for patients to wear nasal cannulas.

“We see patients everyday who prefer to wear their oxygen differently and the most popular choice is as a headband,” reports Ryan.  “We wanted to see which method would work best to help patients receive oxygen.”

Rose on the other hand, has a more honest opinion of the study: “Quite frankly I don’t understand why I have to explain to my patients that you don’t get oxygen if the cannula is not in your nose.  So maybe if this is backed by science I’ll get my patients to see the light.”

The study included 10 patients who required oxygen administration in order to stay alive and each patient required a nasal cannula to receive oxygen.  The study found that in all 10 patients, the most effective way to wear the nasal cannula is in the nostrils.  Headbands caused a decrease in oxygen saturation to 80% and lower, while other methods caused similar results.  Shocking results indeed.

“Could nasal mean it belongs in the nose?” asked Rose, shaking her head.  “Mystery solved.”

**Be sure to check out the Top 10 Nasal Cannula Positions for Maximizing Oxygenation**

AUSTIN, TX – In breaking news, GomerBlog has received word of a dramatic “Code Placement” captured on tape on Unit 4E at Austin Medical Center yesterday afternoon.  In this chilling transcript below, a heroic multidisciplinary team of health care practitioners risks it all to place the incredibly stable patient Martha Lockhart in a rehabilitation facility.

Nurse (RN) Brad Franklin:
(Intense.)  Dr. Black, I think you need to see this.  (RN Franklin passes the patient’s chart to Dr. Black.)

Doctor (MD) Alissa Black:
(Glancing over chart, tense and worried.)  Damn it, this isn’t good.  Not good at all.

RN Franklin:
I know, I know.

MD Black:
(Slams the chart down.)  You mean to tell me she’s been waiting on placement for a week now?!  How are her vitals?  NOW!  What are her vitals?

RN Franklin:
(Fumbling through his papers.)  Afebrile.  Vital signs: blood pressure 120/74, heart rate 75, respiratory rate 16, and oxygen saturation 99% on room air.

MD Black:
I knew it!  Brad, great catch.  Call a code!  And d/c vital signs, STAT!

The code is called overheard: “Code Placement, Room 4E16.  Code Placement, Room 4E16.”  Seconds later, additional help appears in the form of social services (SW), physical therapy (PT), occupational therapy (OT), and speech therapy (ST).

Physical Therapist (PT) Paul Terrys:
Oh no, not again, Mrs. Lockhart!  Don’t do this to me now!  Alissa, you need a quick assessment?

MD Black:
Yes, please, thank you!  (PT & OT perform a rapid assessment.)  How is she?

PT Terrys & Occupational Therapist (OT) Angela Snow:
(Together.)  Not good.

OT Snow:
Yeah, she’s not progressing as we would like.  We thought acute rehab, but this looks more like subacute rehab.

PT Terrys:
I agree.

MD Black:
(Slightly flustered.)  Wow, didn’t see that coming.  (Towards SW.)  How are the referrals?  Can you detect any open beds?

Social Worker (SW) Lindsey Gourdough:
(On the phone.)  I have a faint pulse on Our Lady of Perpetual Placement…

RN Franklin:
(Towards SW.)  Don’t lose that pulse!  (Towards PT & OT.)  Don’t let up on the exercises!  Keep going for another cycle until we say stop.

Speech Therapist (ST) Jeff Cousins:
Guys, what can I do to help?  Anything?

RN Franklin:
Her speech and swallowing are fine.  Remember?  You signed off last week.  Thank you for coming, though!  We got this.  (ST exits.)

Patient Lockhart:
(Pleasant and smiling.)  I’m hungry…

MD Black:
Damn it, she’s hungry!  Where’s the nutritionist?  Get this poor lady a biscuit!  (Dining services rushes in to deliver a warm biscuit, much the delight of Mrs. Lockhart.)  Strong work!  (Towards SW.)  Time is of the essence!  Have you got anything?!  Anything at all?!  (SW shakes her head, “No.”  Twenty long, nerve-wracking seconds pass.)  Okay, okay, hold PT/OT.  What’s the referral status?

SW Gourdough:
(Giving a thumbs up.)  We’ve got a bed!

Everyone:
YES!

SW Gourdough:
But waiting on insurance authorization.

Everyone:
(Deflated.)  Ohhh…

MD Black:
(Towards RN.)  Brad, those last vitals were stable, right?

RN Franklin:
Yes.  And I stopped checking them.  No more abnormal findings.

MD Black:
Perfect.  Labs, did we d/c those too?

RN Franklin:
Yes, normal and d/c’d!

MD Black:
All right!  (Pleading with SW.)  Lindsey, this is our window of opportunity!  She’s stable.  Who knows how long she’ll stay like this.  This is no joke.  We need a bed and we need it now!  Otherwise she’ll be here forever…

SW Gourdough:
(Excited.)  She’s been approved!

The entire team cheers, with high-fives going all around.

MD Black:
(Screaming over the cheers.)  Calm down, guys, calm down!  We’re not out of the woods yet.  Transfer of care forms?

SW Gourdough:
Check!

MD Black:
Transportation?

SW Gourdough:
Check!

MD Black:
Med rec?  (Everyone looks at each other with blank stares.  Ten seconds of silence.)  Guys, we need a med rec!  I did it last week, someone print it!  (Bodies scurry to find a free computer.  A minute later, a med rec is handed to SW.)  BAM!  Lindsey, can I write a discharge order?

SW Gourdough:
Yes!

Dr. Black writes a discharge order and within seconds an ambulance crew arrives and gets Mrs. Lockhart ready to go to rehab.

RN Franklin:
(Everyone is cheering, congratulating one another.)  BRAVO!  Great job, everyone!  Dr. Black, do you want to call it?

MD Black:
Time of placement: 2:45 PM.  Thanks everyone!  Thank you, thank you, thank you!  Solid, solid work!

End transcript.