COLUMBUS, OH – A revelation concerning the function of the da Vinci robot console recently came to light when a circulating nurse discovered its true purpose.  The da Vinci robot itself, with its ability to dramatically lessen the invasiveness of surgery to and create extremely precise manipulations of tissue, has been deemed one of the most innovative surgical tools of the 21st century.  However, it may be even more impressive than we initially gave it credit for.

A central Ohio hospital is reeling after a recent discovery that some of their general surgeons are not actually doing surgery at all while they are at the console; they are playing video games.

This information came to light last month during a routine lap chole.  After the initial commencement of the lap chole surgery and insufflation of the abdomen, Dr. Robert Kinsey took his place at the console and started what they all assumed was the actual excision of the gallbladder.

Midway through the surgery, circulating nurse Pia Matter peeked over Kinsey’s shoulder at the console and was shocked to see him fully engaged in an apparent game of virtual Donkey Kong.  He then went on to Super Mario Brothers 3 and finished by clearing a screen of Mrs. Pac-Man.  He did this all while pretending to operate via the console.

This begs the question, who was running the robot?  Was it running itself?  Since this initial incident, a spokesman from the medical device company Intuitive Surgical, actually admitted that the da Vinci robot was in fact designed to be autonomous and the console was just an upgraded version of an 80s arcade game that they marketed to surgeons because surgeons did not like the original idea of them actually doing the surgery from the corner of the room.

Kinsey commented to reporters that “this da Vinci console is a damn impressive piece of work.  My Donkey Kong game has improved exponentially, and I can play in peace and quiet while everyone thinks I’m fully engaged in an operation.  And the robot itself is pretty cool too.  It can take out a gallbladder or maybe a uterus.  I’m not really sure.  I don’t pay much attention.”

CLEVELAND, OH – After finishing up his cases for the day, an oncological surgeon brought sandwich supplies with him to a vacant operating room and began setting up a sterile field.  “I’ve always wanted to do this,” said the veteran surgeon as he positioned the 4 arm $1.5 million piece of machinery over 2 pieces of whole grain bread, 4 slices of Virginia ham, 2 pieces of provolone cheese, 2 fresh tomato slices, several pieces of lettuce, and a container of Grey Poupon mustard.

As he sat at the da Vinci control station and admired the three-dimensional view of his ingredients, he began to drool, carelessly allowing saliva to drip onto his scrubs.  “11 hours since I’ve eaten anything, but this’ll make up for it,” he muttered to himself as he excitedly began assembling his sandwich with a robotic instrument system that represents the pinnacle of modern surgical technology.

“Right from the get go I knew the da Vinci’s minimally invasive approach had clear applications for sandwich construction.  I wasn’t surprised to read that the technique was eventually shown to be correlated with increases in post prandial consumer satisfaction as well as improved long term digestive outcomes.”

With two da Vinci arms, he precisely stacked the ham, cheese, lettuce, and tomato slices on one whole grain bread slice before using the other two arms to handle the Poupon container and a scalpel to spread its contents evenly over the second bread slice.

“Now for the best part,” the surgeon said, as he manipulated the cauterizer so as to divide the three-dimensional square sandwich image into two irresistible triangular halves.  “The only drawback is not being able to use the da Vinci to actually eat the sandwich.  Well that and the fact that this took me eight times as long as the traditional method, but at least I had fun.”