As Edward Snowden hides out in third-world countries, GomerBlog has some health advice:
- Will not be able to consult WebMD because the town’s one computer is using dial-up to AOL
- Wait! Don’t eat that!
- You’ll find the Venezuelan snake tea cures many ailments. No, you can’t have the recipe, you leak, remember?
- Living in the third world warrants less showering, locals are less judgmental, so check for leeches nightly
- That 5 o’clock shadow won’t be ironic, just normal now
- Flee to one of the 30 countries with universal healthcare
- Hope you were up to date on your shots. If not, don’t think about that every mosquito could be a death bullet: malaria, yellow fever, dengue fever… Hopefully you’re not paranoid.
- Go to Haiti, pending another earthquake, no one will check there
- An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but a mango is delicious
- Your problems are now literally first-world problems, there is no Spanish word for Preparation H
- Next week you’ll be kicking yourself because you forgot to pack sunscreen
- Head to the Dominican Republic: you’ll become a shortstop, get drafted by the Yankees, thus granting you access to the best medical care money can buy
- If you have a headache, the MRI, MRA, and CT will be substituted for a cup of suck-it-up.
- Your diabetes risk just dropped 400%, along with heart disease and colon cancer
