ATLANTA, GA – Ebola, the most deadly disease known to man, was confirmed to be airborne by the CDC after an extensive investigation of the case in Dallas. “At first we blamed the nurses taking care of patient zero, but now we realize that Ebola has somehow mutated and is transmitted like the common cold,” Dr. Tom Frieden, the director of the CDC told the press today inside the presidential containment unit.
With the mass extinction of humanity right around the corner, the US government plans on slowing down our imminent fate by opening outpatient Ebola clinics across the US. “We only have 4 bio-containment units in the US, we will get overloaded very quickly, we need to be prepared,” Dr. Freden continued.
Makeshift outpatient Ebola clinics are sprouting up today, preparing for the imminent outbreak.
“Despite what scientists say, this outbreak is months if not weeks away,” a non-expert told Megyn Kelly on Fox News this morning. “We have to be ready to treat these patients, so that is why we are building local Ebola treatment facilities in all major US cities. They will be strategically placed at major public transportation hubs so that they are easily accessible.” The commentator also added: “Having these clinics where thousands of people are congregated will make them easily visible so that the affected few can get treatment before they spread the disease.” International airports are the ideal location that the government has in mind.
Dr. Frieden has been a scapegoat for the Ebola outbreak in the US. Defending himself he stated: “We will be prepared this time, quarantining is not the solution. Community is. Bringing everyone together to help treat these patients will yield the best results.”
“These clinics will be 100% nursing run. All nurses are required to report to their nearest Ebola clinic and wait for supplies or patients to arrive, whichever comes first. Physicians will monitor and supervise the situation from afar at remote hidden locations, sealed off from the outside air.”
The CDC’s official recommendation is to have the rest of the nation fight this disease by going outside, throwing their arms in the air, and screaming as loud as they can, while “running in non-conforming circles.” They are also urging all news media outlets to have their anchors spread the word by yelling, waving their hands in the air, all while being in full biohazard gear. Panic. And of course: panic.
“There is a time and place for remaining calm. Typically we are very calm. THIS is NOT the time. PANIC immediately!”
