ATLANTA, GA – 94-year-old and 96-lb. Annabelle Rivers is as sweet and tiny as they come. She always has her makeup done right first thing in the morning, smiles from ear to ear, and even walks with the cutest little shuffle. Her melodic and shaky high-pitched voice will melt you like butter. But don’t you dare cross Miss Rivers when she’s in the hospital; she won’t hesitate to show you her proficient use of profanity and mastery of offensive language.
“This ain’t grits, you c***s***er m****rf***er,” said Miss Rivers to the gentleman from dining services who brought her breakfast. “You stupid ****, ****, ****, ****, ****, and ****!!! But the tea is just lovely, just lovely! Thank you so much! Mwahhh!!”
She can really cuss up a storm.
“Now where’s the remote to the TV?” later asked Miss Rivers, looking around her hospital room in her adorable matching pajamas with flower prints. “Hmmm…” After a few minutes, she bellows at least ten straight guttural F-bombs of varying levels of anger, frustration, and intensity. “Oh, there it is! Silly me, hehehehe!”
Medical staff admit that Miss Rivers is one of their favorite patients on the inpatient wards right now. Always cute and always entertaining. Despite her occasional disturbing, lewd, coarse, and vulgar curse words worthy of an NC-17 rating, sweet little old lady Rivers is an absolute sweetheart.
“#**@#$%*#**#&#***#@@#&*!!!!!” screamed Miss Rivers. She accidentally dropped an ice cube into her lap. “Sweet **** of ****, f***!!!!!!!! Wow, I’m just so silly!”
Silly and impressively filthy.
“I’m impressed how many inappropriate variations she has for ‘penis,’ ‘vagina,’ and ‘feces’ if you wake her up for something,” said nurse Patrick Jones, who carries earplugs in case of a Rivers’ cussing fit. “She really gets into it, like she’s possessed. It’s scary, but kind of endearing. She once called me a huge f*****g ****, ****bag, and an ****hat. I both laughed and cried a little.”
GomerBlog asked Miss Rivers why she was hospitalized. “Go s*** my ****, you *******!!!” she replied. Then she smiled. “Well, why aren’t you so handsome! I could just kiss you to death! Mwah, mwah, mwahh!!! Now why don’t you give Mama Anna a hug?!”
“My favorite admission history ever came from Miss Rivers,” said hospitalist Erica Hayes, holding a copy of an old history & physical exam document. “Her chief complaint: ‘F**k you!’ I quoted her a ton. She LOVES the words **** and ****. She used over 70 different curse words or phrases in this document alone; I counted! I just want to be like her when I’m old: cute and a little bit frightening!”
I had a cute little old lady come in for a cardioversion. When they delivered the shock she sat up and yelled “what the f**k”. Then went back to sleep.
Don’t remember her name. She was a sundowner who hid behind the door, used her call light and cracked me over the head with her cast when I entered. Spent the remains of the shift trying to sedate and restrain her. I was a student then (1970) and gave serious thought to working a cash register somewhere!
That is my final goal in life. ;-)
my grandmother?
Worst ass-whooping I ever got was from a tiny 86yo lady. Sugar diabetics are not sweet people.
This is gonna be me when I retire from nursing. I can just feel it!
I have been a nurse for 40 years…I won’t say what the men and women have said to me….nor, back in the day…what I was allowed to say back. It is difficult to deal with people in the hospital…crazy or not….yeah, I know…we don’t use crazy, but they can be….also the sundowners. Nurses have a right just as much as the patient to own respect! I have told many women that I am not their butler….you MUST Say Please….when refused…they got nothing….until they learned I am a nurse!
Shit…I’m laughing while reading this on a Nightshift!!!…. Think My Ex wife said something similar once… Lol!!
I have taken to directly quoting patients in the history when they threaten me for the sole purpose of writing “cunt” in the medical history.
I remember back before i was a nurse when i worked as a cna i walked into a room and saw this cute old lady sitting on the side of her bed i asked her if she was ready to get dressed she looked down at the floor and then stared at me like she was looking through me and stated one of the most epic quotes of all time “im going to kill you; and i am going to make it look very accidental”
I don’t think I even know 70 different curse words. I love these patients though. Their frank honesty can be a little abrasive but they are usually benign.
Lol! Omg… yes!
I love these patients
There’s no one as strong as a demented LOL with no extra fat to hold back those punches!
I myself was cussed by a LOL in NAD just this afternoon.
I will BE that patient!
Jen… You may see me later down the road ! LOL
I had cantankerous older “gentleman” call my colleague and I “Conniving Broads.” So terrible, and so sexist, but thinking about him, and when he called us that makes me crack up every time! Chris Long Evans
The future me!
Sooo true as well… My Mimi was like that. She was ripping out iv’s and throwing things haha
Haha that’s funny!!
Haha Allison Taylor if you really knew
Stephanie is a moron, spoken like a new grad that knows nothing about HIPAA
Haloperidol anyone?
Laura Phipps-Kelley, lol! How many times now?
Laurel Lail Lotterhos
Thank you, gomerblog, for ALWAYS making me laugh out loud!
Omg. Story of our lives.
Jazmine Santiago Haha!
Ahhhh…I now have a worthy goal when I hit her age. :)
This was great lol
Love these patients. I’ll prob end up being one. ;-)
Mandy Barber
http://gomerblog.com/2015/02/hipaa/
Teresa Fisher Cecilia Gibney Thompson Kimberly Mattingly Michelle Burns Marques Patti Stallard Miller
Something Albuterol won’t cure? Respiratory Therapy, the only profession where we cheerfully ask for the finger.
This will so be me and you Meaghan Fleschner Barry
Oh yeah!
Cindy Piper Shields
Which inevitably are normal but Bipap is ordered anyway to muffle the cursing!
I love these patients!
Hope it won’t be me, SO DEGRADING
Abbye Elizabeth Kendrick
she is my late mother in law. <3
and she will bite you too
Haha! I vividly remember a 3 year old boy when I was a new nurse who repeatedly called us “shitasses” while we were trying to start his IV.
And freakishly long, sharp nails.
Hilarious. Glen :)
Back in the day this type of ‘entertainment’ was limited to VA hospitals
Remember Sarah?
Hipaa hipaa hooray, it was so long ago and her name wasn’t Gertrude :)
My favorite was a 90+yr old nun. Wow! could she swear!
By all that is good and holy, I swear that this shall be me someday!
Hipaa!
My favorite patients. Little old ladies that curse like sailors make the shift fun.
Jenn Stanley we were just talking about this!
DAY THREE…. Granny goes through DT’s without her daily nightcap; a stat blood gas has been ordered for her unbelievably colourful change in mental status.
her name was gertrude, she was my first patient during my final clinical in nursing school, and she was too mean to die.
Alicia Kelly-Kochanski
This will totally be me in 40 years.
My favorite patients!
This will be me!
And she has the strength of several men.
Try 5 year olds! They can cuss like sailors too when put to the task
My favorite patient
Some old nurses BECOME this!
Deborah Wheeler-Icenhower !!!!!
Love little ladies like this
Caitlyn Eggleston
YOU GODDAMN NI**ER BITCH CUNT!!! Oh Elsa, I remember you so well lol.
Of course, you poked her seven times and still couldn’t get any blood :-D
If you haven’t seen June Squibb’s performance of ‘adorable but ornery old lady patient’ on the show Getting On, it’s a must!
Victoria Strickland Junkin
So very true.
Quinn Katherine Lancor Caitlin Geary Christy Hucik oh heck why cant i just tag all of 4S at once?!
I actually met a little old lady like that! Cept her carrying on wasn’t interspersed with any sweet words. You could hear her yelling on from a few beds down. People kept asking, “Is she confused?” My reply, “No, she’s just nasty at baseline.”
That’s going to be me, hopefully!