RALEIGH, NC – The competitive and creative business of healthcare and medical treatment has suffered in the US due to the unsustainable and skyrocketing costs associated with unintentional trips to the hospital and Emergency Department.
However, one innovative hospital in North Carolina has discovered a means by which to generate revenue in triplicate as well as improve those abysmal Press Ganey scores. Cash Memorial Medical Center (CMMC), is proud to announce daily specials designed to accommodate patient and family needs for each day of the week. Hospital CEO Laural Hamlet describes each day’s unique and special deal on healthcare and wellness.
The excitement begins on “Meth Monday” when chronic crystal meth users, dealers, and manufacturers will enjoy a generous 30% discount on palliative dental care and face creams. Complimentary ativan will be dispensed in the waiting room for those meth users and dealers who may have enjoyed a little too much of their products. Those meth users with MRSA will be given free take-home packets of Bactroban compliments of the caring staff in microbiology.
Two-for-Tuesday is a bonus day for narcotic prescriptions. Those with chronic back pain, fibromyalgia, polyneuralgia rheumatica, and narcotic addiction NOS enjoy double refills on Percocet, Oxycodone, Dilaudid, and Suboxone. Other narcotics are available upon request and each prescription will include double the refill! Hospital administration and the pharmacy have successfully and diligently worked to make exceptions to the law prohibiting phoning in of narcotics so Two-for-Tuesday narcotic prescriptions may be picked up with no waiting!
Hump Day Wednesday will be particularly enjoyed by those who have engaged in too much humping. Cash Memorial offers a generous 50% off on doxycycline, azithromycin, bicillin LA, and zovirax. Cialis and viagra replacements will also be given to the first 10 patients free of charge. Also, KY Jelly single packets are available free of charge from a large bowl in the waiting room. And, as a special bonus, free condoms are available for those suffering from monogonnorhynoherpaleukorrhea! If you have enjoyed too much humping lately, and have contracted the gift that keeps on giving, Hump Day Wednesday is for you!
Thirsty Thursday is for those enjoying a liter of liquor a day or a few bottles of Roma Rocket for breakfast. Featured for Thirsty Thursday are 50% off on Banana Bags and Lorazepam Lattes. From 12 midnight to 2 AM, we feature “Sex on the Beach Banana Bags” for those who can’t remember what they did on Hump day Wednesday.
Hospital administration is sympathetic to those pesky DTs so complimentary Clonidine and Dilaudid will be available at the door. Patients will also have a choice between the widely used and long acting Valium or the quick acting and entertaining Ativan. The hospital recognizes that Dilaudid is not standard treatment for alcoholism but the administration also understands the value of patient satisfaction. Don’t wait too late to be seen on Thirsty Thursday. Early bird special begins at lunch time.
Thank Goodness it’s Freaky Friday (TGIFF) at CMMC. Featured services offered for TGIFF are discounted Involuntary Commitments (IVC) along with free Haldol and 50% off on Geodon thereby creating an affordable and relaxing cocktail for those inconvenient psychotic breaks. Ativan and xanax candies are the featured snacks of the day and will even be available to anorexics although in the low calorie and reduced sugar form. Anxiety and panic attacks are welcomed on TGIFF and each patient will receive their own take-home paper bag rebreather and Ketamine nebulizer for that uncomfortable hyperventilation discomfort.
The weekend daily special begins on Saturday with Slash-em Up Saturday, AKA Slaughterday! Our eager ER offers 50% off on all knife and gunshot wounds, and 30% off on all other assaults. Don’t let your weekend begin with long ER waits and messy home bandaging. Visit us on Saturday for all your trauma and laceration needs! “Get the lead out” and come on in!
Sunday is a special day featuring Syncope Sunday! For all those suffering from weakness, passing out, and Sunday morning hangovers. Enjoy 50% off on complete workups for nursing home patients, elderly church goers, and anyone else feeling too sick to make it to work on Monday. Free work and school excuses will be available for those suffering from Anal Angle Glaucoma (That’s when you just can’t see your ass making it to work or school).
Nursing home guests will receive 20% off the regular price for enemas and dis-impactions! Family members of geriatric patients are also entitled to free Sunday brunch featuring savory light snacks and sparkling refreshing beverages. The Nurse will promptly take your order upon arrival.
This concludes our daily specials and we are confident you will find something for you and your family here on any day of the week at CMMC. Cash is so named as friendly reminder that your cash is due upon checkin and our treatment rooms are painted the familiar forest green to remind you that we prefer cash here at Cash! Don’t wait, visit CMMC today!
