RALEIGH, NC – GomerBlog has confirmed this morning that some local lovers tried positions that they ultimately couldn’t handle and broke several carpal bones in the process. Disturbing news indeed after this Valentine’s Day.
One set of lovers, who wish to remain anonymous, tell their story: “We were feeling naughty and were inspired by those Cialis commercials. While moving two bathtubs onto our porch, we fell backwards awkwardly.” Both went to a local ED; the anonymous couple collectively broke two scaphoids, one lunate, and one triquetrum.
Meet two medical student lovers, Robbie and Joan, who also sustained passion-induced hand trauma. “We thought we’d try a hot new maneuver, the Reverse Trendelenburg. Joan toppled to the ground. She has a fractured trapezium and trapezoid in her right hand.”
The American Academy of Orthopedic Surgeons (AAOS) is investigating the situation and is concerned about the epidemic. AAOS director Brock Hammersley explains. “Don’t they know the mnemonic? ‘Some Lovers Try Positions That They Can’t Handle.’ It’s not just a random mnemonic, it’s rooted in fact! That’s why we teach it!”
Hammersley is right. The mnemonic was coined around the time of Hippocrates when an ancient Greek medical student named Orthopedes tried a position he couldn’t handle and broke all eight carpal bones in his hand. He wanted to remember these bones – scaphoid, lunate, triquetrum, pisiform, trapezium, trapezoid, capitate, and hamate – to teach future generation of students.
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has joined forces with the AAOS after learning of several reports over a woman known only as Sally.
“Sally Left The Party To Take Cathy Home,” reported CDC Director Thomas Frieden. “I also received word that if Sally Lowers Tim’s Pants Then Things Can Happen.” Just then an aide whispered something into Frieden’s ear and his face turned grim. “Ladies and gentleman: Students Like Taking Prostitutes To The Carlton Hotel.”
