It’s that time of year to take inventory of what’s on our Med/Surg units.  These things are required for the quintessential Med/Surg experience.  Bust out those pens, if you haven’t lost them!

• 20 patients awaiting placement
• 10 patients that should be DNR but aren’t
• 5 patients in gowns walking the halls with exposed buttocks
• 5 patients in contact isolation for unknown reasons (too lazy for anyone to check)
• 2 elderly patients screaming out incoherent things
• 1 elderly patient near the nurses station because she’s been troublesome
• 1 sketchy patient stalking the nurses station constantly
• 1 drug seeker that everyone knows all too well

• 1 adult male who curses just a tad too loudly
• 1 nice patient (no more)
• 8 healthcare providers yawning
• 3 healthcare providers on Facebook for all to see
• 2 EMTs with an empty stretcher just standing there, looking bored
• 1 social worker who has been on hold for at least 20 minutes
• 1 physical therapist (PT) walking a patient who doesn’t need PT
• 1 unit secretary that is calmer than everyone else on the unit
• 1 healthcare provider with a bad case of resting bitch face
• 1 healthcare provider looking for a chart that has gone missing

• 1 male healthcare provider with a 5 o’clock shadow at 9 AM
• 1 intern with earbuds on
• 1 medical student who is using up a precious computer and not doing anything
• 5 empty hand foam dispensers
• 1 dining service cart that is blocking the entrance to the Med/Surg unit
• 1 nasty stench of unclear origin but probably poop
• 1 chair that cannot be lowered or raised
• 1 chair with broken armrests
• 1 updated crash cart
• 1 old clock with the wrong time
• 1 Heimlich maneuver poster still hanging from the 1970s
• 1 fax machine on its last legs
• 1 overhead speaker system that is either too loud or too soft

• 1 random Latex glove on the floor
• 1 puddle of bodily fluid
• 1 incessantly ringing cell phone that some medical provider has misplaced
• 1 overflowing garbage bin that really needs to be emptied
• 1 loud cleaning object that is on that everyone has to yell over
• 1 collected urine sample that’s sitting out
• 1 open beverage container, ready to kill
• 1 pen that no has claimed but everyone wants to claim
• 1 well-hidden stapler only the secretary can find
• 1 nurses drawer full of much-needed emergency candy

• 1 other drawer that is a potpourri of broken pens, staples, ketchup packets, etc.
• 1 bag of normal saline on the counter
• 1 misplaced patient list
• 1 printer out of ink, paper, or both
• 1 pile of unsigned prescriptions by the printer
• 1 landline that doesn’t work, possibly because of a worn down phone jack
• 1 broken pulse oximeter
• Infinite metallic sounds caused by pagers, phones, telemetry, and codes
• Infinite supply of small N95 respirators
• 0 regular-sized N95 respirators
• 1 Dinamap with an error message on it
• 1 random storage room that no one has ever been in
• 1 bathroom that has no toilet paper, no paper towels, and has an insecure seat

Additionally:

If a paper chart-based unit:

• 3 paper charts that desperately need to be thinned
• 1 paper chart in the wrong cubby
• 1 paper chart that is lost forever
• 1 chart cubby with a book of delivery menus
• 80% of paper chart 3-ring binders must have misaligned ring

If an EMR-based unit:

• 5 missing chairs (ratio of desktop computers to chairs must not be 1-to-1)
• 1 annoyed healthcare provider on the phone with IT yet again for help
• 1 computer with a broken or sticky keyboard
• 1 computer that has needed repair for at least 3 months
• 1 computer with the blue screen of death
• 1 computer that has a really f**king annoying mouse that needs to be replaced