It’s that time of year to take inventory of what’s on our Med/Surg units. These things are required for the quintessential Med/Surg experience. Bust out those pens, if you haven’t lost them!
- 20 patients awaiting placement
- 10 patients that should be DNR but aren’t
- 5 patients in gowns walking the halls with exposed buttocks
- 5 patients in contact isolation for unknown reasons (too lazy for anyone to check)
- 2 elderly patients screaming out incoherent things
- 1 elderly patient near the nurses station because she’s been troublesome
- 1 sketchy patient stalking the nurses station constantly
- 1 drug seeker that everyone knows all too well
- 1 adult male who curses just a tad too loudly
- 1 nice patient (no more)
- 8 healthcare providers yawning
- 3 healthcare providers on Facebook for all to see
- 2 EMTs with an empty stretcher just standing there, looking bored
- 1 social worker who has been on hold for at least 20 minutes
- 1 physical therapist (PT) walking a patient who doesn’t need PT
- 1 unit secretary that is calmer than everyone else on the unit
- 1 healthcare provider with a bad case of resting bitch face
- 1 healthcare provider looking for a chart that has gone missing
- 1 male healthcare provider with a 5 o’clock shadow at 9 AM
- 1 intern with earbuds on
- 1 medical student who is using up a precious computer and not doing anything
- 5 empty hand foam dispensers
- 1 dining service cart that is blocking the entrance to the Med/Surg unit
- 1 nasty stench of unclear origin but probably poop
- 1 chair that cannot be lowered or raised
- 1 chair with broken armrests
- 1 updated crash cart
- 1 old clock with the wrong time
- 1 Heimlich maneuver poster still hanging from the 1970s
- 1 fax machine on its last legs
- 1 overhead speaker system that is either too loud or too soft
- 1 random Latex glove on the floor
- 1 puddle of bodily fluid
- 1 incessantly ringing cell phone that some medical provider has misplaced
- 1 overflowing garbage bin that really needs to be emptied
- 1 loud cleaning object that is on that everyone has to yell over
- 1 collected urine sample that’s sitting out
- 1 open beverage container, ready to kill
- 1 pen that no has claimed but everyone wants to claim
- 1 well-hidden stapler only the secretary can find
- 1 nurses drawer full of much-needed emergency candy
- 1 other drawer that is a potpourri of broken pens, staples, ketchup packets, etc.
- 1 bag of normal saline on the counter
- 1 misplaced patient list
- 1 printer out of ink, paper, or both
- 1 pile of unsigned prescriptions by the printer
- 1 landline that doesn’t work, possibly because of a worn down phone jack
- 1 broken pulse oximeter
- Infinite metallic sounds caused by pagers, phones, telemetry, and codes
- Infinite supply of small N95 respirators
- 0 regular-sized N95 respirators
- 1 Dinamap with an error message on it
- 1 random storage room that no one has ever been in
- 1 bathroom that has no toilet paper, no paper towels, and has an insecure seat
Additionally:
If a paper chart-based unit:
- 3 paper charts that desperately need to be thinned
- 1 paper chart in the wrong cubby
- 1 paper chart that is lost forever
- 1 chart cubby with a book of delivery menus
- 80% of paper chart 3-ring binders must have misaligned ring
If an EMR-based unit:
- 5 missing chairs (ratio of desktop computers to chairs must not be 1-to-1)
- 1 annoyed healthcare provider on the phone with IT yet again for help
- 1 computer with a broken or sticky keyboard
- 1 computer that has needed repair for at least 3 months
- 1 computer with the blue screen of death
- 1 computer that has a really f**king annoying mouse that needs to be replaced
