Cheetos for Pediatric Abdominal Pain Better Than Zofran, Phenergan

DALLAS, TX – A recent study in Totally Peer Reviewed (TPR) shows that in acute abdominal pain, Cheetos not only treat, but in many cases are curative for acute abdominal pain, especially in pediatric patients.  Results were compiled after culling charts from emergency departments across the country that included the phrase “presents with abdominal pain” followed by “eating Cheetos during exam.”

Dr. Tottes McGotes was ecstatic at her findings.  “We noted in chart review that within moments of Cheetos administration the patients, typically under the age of 10, were free of abdominal pain, and were able to watch cartoons without disruption, even despite a clinician trying to examine them.  When compared to medications often used for GI complaints, such as Zofran and Phenergan, there was a much longer onset, if any relief, with these drugs, even when administered IM.”

It appears as if this new treatment is set to turn the world of gastroenterology on its head. Seven different companies across the globe are racing to identify the chemical component in the Cheeto that leads to relief, so that they can discredit the OTC, and charge a day’s wage for a single dosage of their product.

McGotes later noted, “The only setback we had during the review process was difficulty finding a control group.  However, we finally located a solitary sorority girl who said ‘Ewww’ to Cheetos and ‘can’t even’ to IM antiemetics.  Her complaints resolved without intervention after the physician denied her pain medication, but not nearly as quickly as the Cheeto group resolved.”