ATLANTA, GA – Well, folks, now we’ve seen it all. GomerBlog is sad to break the unfortunate news that the world is descending into total darkness and evil, as doctors and nurses at Atlanta Healthcare report that the drug-seeking epidemic is so widespread and far-gone even infants are begging for narcotics. That’s right, infants.
“I went to check in on cute lil’ Martha,” said nursery nurse Rick Lindley, referring to one-day-old newborn baby Martha Gabriel. “I picked her up and then she started kicking and screaming uncontrollably. Then I couldn’t believe my ears, she said, ‘Wouaaa wouaaa wu wu, want Diwaudid…’ Then she winked at me! Can you believe it?”
“We’re moving towards a grim reality where a baby’s first word is a controlled substance, not Mama or Dada,” explained gray-haired pediatrician Braxton Jones, his office inundated with infant and toddler pain contracts. He let out a long, defeated sigh before falling back in his chair. “I can see a future where we change our children’s milestones. I fully expect babies of the future to know the phrase ‘IV Benadryl’ by 18 months.”
Health care practitioners have been reluctant to provide fetuses, babies, and infants with narcotics despite their demands. Unfortunately, there have been numerous reports at Atlanta Healthcare of babies leaving their mothers’ wombs or arms against medical advice (AMA).
“Baby Ethan Ryan cried for fwentanyl while baby Colby James hollered for Pwercocet,” explained Lindley, shaking his head in disbelief. “What did they do when they didn’t get their narcs? They signed out AMA. The forms were illegible and filled out in crayon.”
“If they don’t get their fix, watch out,” explained nursery nurse Tara Hicks, who has now officially seen it all. “They start whining, making all these loud noises, and you can’t get them to shut up. I mean, you can barely make out what they’re saying.” Hicks added later: “I will say it is kind of cute though. The babies whine and scream just like their parents when they don’t get their narcotics. Equally inconsolable and incomprehensible.”
Though it appeared very far-fetched, many health care practitioners feared that this day could happen. But at least there’s one bright spot.
“At least you can put pacifiers into the mouths of babies,” explained Rogers with a wry smile. “Wish you could do that with adults!“
