CHICAGO, IL – Doctors are flabbergasted by what Nintendo has achieved. For years, they have been telling patients to stop playing video games and go outside and exercise. Then, in one day, Nintendo made it happen in record numbers with a video game. Thanks to the new “Pokemon Go” game for smartphones, couch potatoes across the nation are heading outside to search for the digital mythical creatures.
“It’s the most realistic game I’ve ever played,” said Jabba T. Hutt, a morbidly obese gamer from Tatooine, Indiana. “I went looking for Pikachu, and I could feel like there was actually soft grass under me! Oh, and the lighting in this game is fantastic!” Mr. Hutt seemed blissfully unaware he was walking on actual grass underneath actual sunlight, having not experienced those sensations in the past 30 years.
One patient, who wished to remain anonymous, told GomerBlog, “For years I’ve been suffering from terrible fibromyalgia. I’d just sit indoors and complain about my pain all day. My psychiatrist couldn’t do anything about it. But, who needs a psychiatrist when I’ve got Psyduck!” Her psychiatrist did not wish to comment due to patient privacy reasons, but sources close to the psychiatrist report hearing him remark, “Taking a walk outside and not thinking about your pain cured your fibromyalgia? I told you so!”
Dr. Vincent Mario of Doctors University Hospital, who consulted for Nintendo in this creation, is very pleased at the outcome. “In the past 24 hours, we’ve already seen patients who’ve never exercised in their lives running around the neighborhood looking for Pokemon.” Dr. Mario cites a 3,000% increase in swimming in the past 24 hours as patients go searching for the elusive aquatic Squirtle. “I expect to see a drop in rates of vitamin D deficiency as well as diabetes, hypertension, heart disease, and other obesity-related conditions as people get out of their houses to do what man was always meant to do outside: play video games.”
The American Medical Association is in discussion with Nintendo about coming up with video games that make people check their blood sugars, eat healthy, and not ask for that one medication that starts with “D.”
