Report: Essential Hypertension, Not at All Essential

PITTSBURGH, PA – Scientists discovered Wednesday that essential hypertension is not at all essential for life.  “We were totally wrong when we discovered hypertension,” claims head researcher Dr. Dan Shoemaker. “I don’t know how the early physicians thought hypertension was essential! Things that are essential to life include the heart, lungs, brain, kidneys, but definitely not hypertension! In fact, hypertension, if left untreated for a long period, can destroy these essential organs.”

Essential hypertension affects 70 million Americans. Almost 80% of these patients are prescribed medication for this disease. “When a doctor tells a patient they have essential hypertension, the patient is confused and therefore refuses to take any medication, out of fear they will stop something essential,” Dr. Shoemaker told reporters. “This is the only explanation for a massive non compliant population.” He went on to state if they knew the effects of untreated hypertension they would “set alarms to take their medications.”

This is certainly the case for Deborah brown, a sufferer from essential hypertension for years. “My doctor said I had essential hypertension, then he goes and gives me medication!” She continued from her dialysis machine, “What is he trying to do, kill me? I need this hypertension, it is essential! He must be in the pockets of big pharma.”

Author of the landmark paper, Dr. Shoemaker, speculated that early discovers of essential hypertension were probably just limited to cadaver study and thought “the higher the blood pressure the better. No blood pressure is equal to death.” Now that scientists have years of data

Dr. Shoemaker and his team plan to go back and study essential tremors. “Just off the top of my head I can’t think of an absolutely necessary, or extremely important reason, to have a tremor.”