NASHVILLE, TN – Dr. Nick Johnson, a recent medical school graduate and internal medicine resident impressed his family at Thanksgiving dinner last night when he claimed that the past month of overnight call he basically “ran the entire hospital.”
“I mean, I was doing basically everything,” he began, while scooping mashed potatoes on his plate. “I was cross covering, like, 30 patients and admitting more from the emergency department literally all by myself.”
“I was pretty much the top dog,” he said, smiling smugly.
Johnson’s mother reacted proudly to the news. “I knew my little baby was a genius! I’m so glad he learned everything he needed to know about being a doctor in medical school.”
“I don’t even know why he’s wasting his time with that silly residency,” his father agreed.
Johnson also claimed that he had already saved many lives in his four months of training.
“The other day,” continued Johnson with a mouthful of stuffing, “this patient came in with hypokalemia, which is what we doctors call it when people have low potassium in their blood. I basically diagnosed it all by myself and then ordered some IV potassium. Just like that, bam, I saved his life.”
“I mean,” he shook his head gravely, “he could have died.”
Upon hearing his comments, Johnson’s co-residents took issue with his cavalier attitude. “The dude just learned how to write a passable discharge summary last week. Give me a break,” commented a senior resident. “You can’t say you’re running the whole hospital until you’re at least a second-year medicine resident.”
Many other physicians have voiced concern about Johnson’s “gross egocentricity.” A source of within the hospital commented, “Of course, Dr. Johnson failed to mention the legion of other health care workers involved in the care of this patient: the triage nurse in the emergency department who first saw the patient and the emergency room physician who stabilized the patient with the assistance of nurses, phlebotomists and technicians assisting in both laboratory and radiological testing. He forgot about the radiologist who interpreted the negative CT head, neck, chest, abdomen and pelvis that was ordered by the emergency department, and he failed to mention the surgical resident who refused nearly every consult that night.”
The source continued, “He also didn’t mention the floor nurses who took round-the-clock care of the patient, including administering the patient’s medications and dealing with the patient’s family members. And of course, he failed to mention the hospital administrators who are paid millions a year to make each of those jobs take three times as long.”
The source continued, “But yes, of course, performing a physical exam, writing an H&P and putting orders into the computer is really all it takes to run an entire hospital.”
In response, Johnson issued a short statement from his family home. “That’s not all I do. Sometimes I put in central lines.”
