KEARNEY, NE – In what should not be considered abnormal in our day and age, the family of Billy Rubin demanded that the 89-year-old resident of a local SNF and frequent flier at Kind Humanitarian Hospital (KHH) be the “Fullest Code Possible.”
A tour of KHH’s ICU and a look at what octogenarians on life support actually look like did not dissuade the concerned family. Understanding that the customer is always right, hospital administrator Mrs. Anna Sarca enlisted the help of Futile Care fellowship graduate Dr. Dee Ann Ahr. Together, the two drafted the Fullest Code guidelines to deliver outstanding care and maintain patient satisfaction:
Chest compressions?
Until three interns are incapacitated with exhaustion.
Epinephrine pushes?
Till there is no epi left in the hospital.
Defibrillator shocks?
Until the lights go out in the hospital.
Ventilate?
Until the code team is short of breath.
ECMO, hypothermia, AND dialysis at the same time?
Duh! Don’t forget TPN!!
Transplant considerations?
Anything from the heart to toes is fair game.
Should we consider quality of life after the code?
That’s not for us to decide.
Palliative Care consult?
Don’t waste their time!
Following the medical team’s assurance that Rubin will receive the most aggressive therapies available, the family inquired if defibrillator shocks would provide him with new abilities like “all those people who died and came back in the movies.”
