Outpatient Surgery Center Hires DJs Instead of OR Nurses

IBIZA, SPAIN – The party is just getting started at Ibiza Surgical Specialists, a private outpatient surgery center, now that new OR nurses have taken over.  In an unprecedented move, the board voted unanimously to replace all circulating nurses with DJs who play requests all day (and sometimes all night) long.

“It’s about efficiency,” remarked Dr. Sue Herpantsoff, a plastic surgeon, and the center’s newly-installed Director of Operations.  “Surgeons would ask the circulating nurses, who spend a good amount of their time near the computer, to skip a song, or change a station, but sometimes they were involved in other activities like preparing medications or getting supplies, or worse, documentation,” she groaned. “But now we don’t have to worry about that.”

“The idea was actually inspired by a former OR nurse here,” she continued.  “Tired of always being asked to change the song or fix the music, she screamed, ‘I’m a nurse, not a freaking DJ!!’  Which made me realize, she was right, of course.  She didn’t have the right training to do her job properly.”

Most of the staff here love the recent change.  “It’s great for us,” said a CRNA who wished to remain anonymous.  “These DJs are true professionals and can really pick the ideal song for the situation, one that everybody likes.  Just last week we were doing a hip arthroscopy and the DJ spun a really awesome remix of Shakira’s ‘Hips Don’t Lie‘ and even the doc was dancing!”

Indeed, the surgeons love it as well.  As Gunnar Gunnarson, a trigger finger specialist, put it, “They don’t judge like a lot of the nurses used to.  Whether I want to listen to heavy metal or Miley Cyrus, it doesn’t matter.  They don’t call me names.  They just spin that record, homie, and everything gets better!  Plus they don’t enforce time outs and safety checks so we can do everything a lot faster and get out to our raves, cars, and golf clubs earlier.”

Patients, though, seem somewhat unsure how to feel.  One patient told us he is confused, “because on the one hand it was really nice to get in the room and they’re playing this sweet lullaby… but then I looked over and there’s this teenager by the computer and she looks like she was up really late last night, and she’s totally passed out you know?  But the music was so soothing so I guess I didn’t mind.  Plus they gave me Dilaudid.  I like Dilaudid.”

Herpantsoff explained that the move was also financially motivated.  “I’ll be honest, these kids work for peanuts.  They still do their night gigs and then come in here just to moonlight and make some side cash.  Works great for us, but we have to kind of look the other way when they need to sometimes take some uppers to stay awake during a shift.  Whatever keeps the beat flowing though!“