NEW YORK, NY – In yet another in a long line of knee-jerk reactions to public relations nightmares, NBC President Jeff Zucker announced that NBC has reversed their long-standing policy against acknowledging that woman can be mothers and also be doctors.
In an episode of NBC Nightly News that aired January 27th, Dr. Dyan Hes was interviewed on the potential ramifications of football-related head injuries on children. Dr. Hes was identified as a mother while a male physician was clearly identified as a Doctor.
“We at NBC are strong supporters of women’s rights, we even fired Matt Lauer after it was revealed that he serially sexually-assaulted women following significant public pressure,” Zucker explained. “My mother was a woman as are all of my mistresses and housekeepers, so I totally understand women. I really do.”
NBC apparently knew that Dr. Hes was a pediatrician at Cornell and even asked her several questions about advising patients, however those questions were edited out to better portray Dr. Hes as a mother with minimal education.
“We knew she was a doctor, but women doctors are intimidating to overinflated douchebags like me, so we made it a priority to emphasize her being a mom and hide her medical training and background which actually provides great credence to her statements.” Zucker mansplained further. “We already had a man doctor, or as I call them ‘doctors’ to discuss the topic in his white coat. There was no point having someone pretend to be educated on the subject who I would assume was a nurse even if she had a coat on that said MD.”
When asked how NBC would change going forward, Zucker said, “We will allow women to be doctors on TV or mothers, but not both. If a woman wants to portrayed in an interview as a woman AND a Doctor, have her go on CBS. There’s a reason they ran Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, we at NBC knew a woman couldn’t be a doctor and a mom even in the 1860’s and there’s no way they could do that now and still look good in heels.”
In related news, Zucker sustained a karma-related event when he fell down the stairs of his New York City penthouse and landed groin first into a cactus that promptly spontaneously combusted. Zucker was taken to NYU Medical Center where a female trauma surgeon evaluated him and ordered Q1 hour rectal temperature checks. The first rectal thermometer poked Zucker right in his big fat ugly head which was apparently been up his ass for several years.
