SCHAUMBURG, IL – Sound the alarm bells: A nationwide crossword puzzle shortage has anesthesiologists from coast to coast in a panic, putting the livelihood of an entire subspecialty in jeopardy.
“Anesthesia hasn’t seen a crisis this large since the Great Drape Shortage of 2004,” reported an obviously unnerved President of the American Society of Anesthesiologists (ASA) Dr. Jeffrey S. Plagenhoef. The Great Drape Shortage of 2004 greatly contributed to Anesthesia burnout that year as they had to make regular eye contact with OR personnel.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the ASA,” Plagenhoef continued, “we are at a pivotal moment in our society’s history. This is Anesthesia’s DEFCON 1. This is not a test. Prepare yourselves accordingly. The extinction of our field is at stake.”
According to our experts, Anesthesia is the largest consumer of the crossword puzzles, having attempted to solve 82% of the world’s supply. Without access, Anesthesia will be forced to subsist on other forms of entertainment.
Plagenhoef has teamed up with two well-renowned anesthesiologists, drape fort expert Dr. Ryan Grossman and drape puppet master Dr. Thomas Kingston, to create a survival kit to help threatened anesthesiologists prepare for the dark months ahead.
“First off, we, as a society, have to start rationing our crossword puzzles,” explained Kingston, who has put his sock puppet collection under lock and key for fear of being looted. “Next I would recommend at minimum a six-month supply of the following essentials: drapes both ironed and not, Sudoku puzzles both paper or electronic, board games, and either a PlayStation 4 or XBox.”
“This may sound unthinkable, but we might have to cultivate other hobbies,” Grossman reported in a stern tone, underscoring the severity of the crossword crisis. “We might have to go outside for walks or just relax at home until the surgeons are ready to wrap up their case. But the absolute worst-scenario: we might have to revert back to word search puzzles.”
Plagenhoef asks that everyone keep Anesthesia in your thoughts and prayers before you blame them.
