The Double FOB: who has two women on the floor pregnant at the same time
The Lurker: TOLAC with a four-page birth plan who wants to labor at home
The Mystery: A patient who speaks a language for which there is no interpreter
The Threat: FOB escorted out by security
The Mule: Illicit drugs found in body cavity
The Cheating Bisexual: a patient with sperm in the vagina on microscopic rule-out rupture exam who comes in with her same-sex partner
The Guilty Party: fighting with FOB about who’s responsible for a new STI diagnosis in triage
The Mama Mia: someone in labor with two (or more) potential FOBs in the room
The Bingo: positive for 4 or more STIs
The Baby: pregnant younger than age 16
The Surprise: a patient who consents for themselves and the next day their legal guardian shows up
The Exhibitionist: caught having intercourse in hospital room
The Explorer: foreign object removed from vagina
The Nudist: refuses to wear clothes while in labor
The Paparazzi: ignores hospital “no photos of the vagina” policy
The Hotel Guest: patient leaves the floor for hours every day
The Optimist: always shows up to triage with luggage
The Overly Familiar: refers to physicians by first names despite requests not to
The Favorite: brings food for the staff
The Model: shows up for induction/c-section with false eyelashes
The Sugar Mama: gestational diabetic who shows up with large regular soda
The Misandrist: refuses to have any male staff
The Researcher: someone with an encyclopedic knowledge of preeclampsia with normal labs and blood pressures
The Scheduler: shows up on their due date in triage…because it is their due date
The Shopper: has gotten prenatal care at 2 or more hospitals
The Hippie: demands to lotus birth despite being against hospital policy
The Sword of Damocles: five or more prior c-sections and spotty prenatal care
