Correction: Billionaire Purchases Hundreds of Ventilators FROM Coronavirus-Stricken Hospitals

An earlier version of this article erroneously indicated that the billionaire purchased ventilators FOR coronavirus-stricken hospitals, implying he was going to donate them to the hospitals. Oops! What a difference a little preposition makes. We regret the highly embarrassing error and profusely apologize to the good tycoon.

SCARSDALE, NY—A local billionaire, who wishes to remain anonymous, has agreed to purchase hundreds of ventilators FROM area hospitals. Once in his possession, he plans to magnanimously donate these life-saving apparatuses to his favorite charity: his extremely wealthy peers. Despite their lofty status in society, these VIPs unfortunately remain susceptible to the novel coronavirus, which somehow did not get the memo about how important they are.

“My friends and I are elite, indispensable, and God’s gift to the world,” said the modest moneybags. “For the security of our nation, I had to ensure that these elite people have access to top-notch ventilators in the event their lungs should fail. So no need to worry anymore; these life-support machines will soon be in their houses where they’ll be readily available should they ever need them.”

The local hospitals report that they were initially reluctant to sell this vital equipment, especially with their Emergency Departments packed with COVID-19 patients struggling for air. “But, sometimes money just talks,” said Scarsdale Hospital CEO Juan Purcent, while sitting in his luxurious office that appeared to have a brand new ventilator in the corner. “Oh yes, he gave that one to me. It’s my own personal ventilator—isn’t she a beaut?”

Jess Turbull, CEO of nearby Chappaqua Medical Center, felt similarly. “He gave us an offer we couldn’t refuse. But it’s all good; he gave us so much damn money that we can now use it to buy double the amount of ventilators we previously had! Of course, since there’s none available right now, we’ll have to wait years til we get ‘em. Oh well, c’est la vie!”

Ms. Turbull was quick to point out some alternative treatment options. “We do have a few ECMO machines that can sustain some lives,” she said, before shaking her head vigorously as she remembered that the billionaire purchased all of those too.

At press time, hundreds of coronavirus patients in the area have been unable to receive ventilatory support for their failing lungs. But at least they can rest (in peace) assured that the VIPs of the world will overcome COVID-19.