COVID-19 Breakthrough: Redeployed Da Vinci Can Swab One Patient Per Day

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BOSTON, MA – In what is already considered the biggest breakthrough against COVID-19 in the United States, surgeons report that Da Vinci robots have been redeployed and will be able to swab up to one person per day.

“We recognize the United States remains far behind in testing American citizens, but this will be a game-changer, no doubt,” explained Dr. Anthony Fauci, Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases. “Da Vinci robots have been refigured to maximum efficiency, which means each robot can now test one American daily. This marks an exponential improvement in our current testing capacity.”

Fauci cannot understate the importance of having a nasopharyngeal specimen obtained with the utmost precision, even if it takes 18-24 hours to obtain it.

In accordance with Centers for Disease Control and Prevention guidelines, Da Vinci robots will only swab the critically ill or famous starting next week.

First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.
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