Publicists for SARS-CoV-2 and Ebola have announced that the two highly sought after A-list viruses are now joining forces to become this year’s newest power couple.
But that’s not even the biggest bombshell. That’s right: they’re expecting!
Is that a bubo or do we already see a viral baby bump?!
Paparazzi reporters had already floated several nicknames for the amorous duo’s eagerly anticipated offspring. Ebovid and Filo-rona were both solid early contenders. But they seem to have been ruled out. “SARS-bola” seems to have stuck. Overnight, the new #SARS-bola-fever hashtag took the internet by storm.
Asked to respond to the news that the two deadly pathogens had coupled, Boston area virologist Dr. Evan Moredeath said, “Well this is the type of thing that….Wait. What? Did you say SARS and Ebola have merged? Umm. Uhhh. Fuck. I gotta go.”
He then walked away, immediately surrendered his hospital badge to security, resigned his position, and fled the country. Reached by phone later, Gomerblog asked him where his future plans might take him
“Oh, I don’t know. Hmm, let’s see, here. Oh! I know! How about a nation with any semblance of a coherent plan for fighting a deadly pandemic that will probably kill us all,” he said.
Famed Ebola survivor, New York emergency physician Dr. Craig Spencer tweeted a defiant reaction to the news today. “Bring it on, suckas!!!!” While Spencer has not contracted covid-19, he seemed ready for another challenge. “Whether it makes VP40 matrix proteins or nucleocapsid phosphoproteins, it doesn’t matter. My immune system will kick its silly butt back to whatever fruit bat pangolin piece of crap this came from.”
“That’s a little bold,” said Dr. Dara Kass, another New York emergency physician who recently recovered from a bout with covid-19. “Sounds to me like Craig is getting a little jealous. Do I detect something? Is he overcompensating? You tell me.”
The specter of a new global threat also stands to stretch already thin supplies of personal protective equipment. GetUsPPE.org co-founder Dr. Megan Ranney expressed concern. “Look, we are trying to get PPE to the front lines. But SARS-bola? Forget it. All I can say is, it’s been a good run, humanity!”