In an earth-shattering discovery sending shockwaves throughout the medical community, a team of gastroenterologists have announced the presence of a new orifice deep in the human armpit. The historic finding was presented at the 2017 “GI Hole Symposium,” a meeting of prominent gastroenterologists dedicated to the exploration of previously unscoped holes. In 2016, the symposium covered the theoretical possibility of scoping a black hole in outer space. The keynote presentation this year was billed as a “once in a lifetime” discovery, but even top research scientists and physicians were flabbergasted by the announcement that a new hole was not only present, but imminently scopeable.
“We aren’t sure what’s in there,” reported Neil Blatch, gastroenterologist and lead investigator of the armpit hole team from Harvard University. “After months spent surveying the hole, we know two things: It’s too dark to see inside and we think we can get a pretty big scope in there.”
The initial discovery of the armpit hole was made during a routine examination by Blatch. “I was palpating a patient’s liver when he suddenly stretched his arms above his head. I only caught a quick glimpse, but I said ‘hey buddy, I think you got a big hole in your armpit, lemme see.’ The rest was history.”
When asked why nobody has ever noticed the armpit hole before, Blatch responded, “We’ve never looked. Who cares about the armpit?”
Many leading experts have offered guesses as to the function of the armpit hole. Some think it ends in a blind pouch, much like a marsupial, intended to hold human infants for a short period of time. Others have suggested it may function as a second mouth in case the head mouth is horribly disfigured in some freak accident. Gastroenterologists are excited to shove a scope in there to find out.
