“They just don’t appreciate our appreciation!” exclaimed CEO Benjamin Green, referencing the absence of nurses as he gathered with his fellow administrators in Good Samaritan Hospital’s C-suite conference room for the annual nurse appreciation lunch.

“Maybe they thought we were still gone on our recent week-long Administrator Appreciation retreat in Hawaii. It’s probably hard for them to function and remember dates with us gone,” suggested Veronica Severine, the VP of Head-Turning Pencil Skirts, while sipping on a frothy-pink-strawberry-shake.

“No, I think the nurses clearly don’t appreciate all we do for them,” said Calvin Lauren, VP of Looking Handsome, while eating a cookie shaped like a bedpan. “If they have time to fill out unsafe staffing forms and overtime declaration forms every single day then they have time to show up here so we can tell them how much we care and look out for their best interests every day with this once a year lunch!”

“Did someone forget to advertise the event?” asked Veronica Severine. “Absolutely not,” answered Gregory Glib, Director of Charismatic Communications. “We sent every nurse an invitation in an email that they should have plenty of time to check between their charting, giving patients refreshments and narcotics, and then documenting that they charted.”

“Maybe we can take some of this food and Rhabdomyolysis Iced Tea to the nurses on the units,” suggested Justine Earnest, CNO, after what must have been a subconscious and rare empathetic flashback to her five years as a Med/Surg and ICU nurse in the 1990s. “Don’t be silly,” said CEO Benjamin Green while going back for a second turkey sandwich. “We don’t want to interrupt their patient satisfaction interventions and there are probably infection prevention implications.”

Angel Knox, staff RN on 3-main whose blood sugar is currently 84, could not be reached for comment because she was busy working through her lunch break after heroically coming in again on her day off to try to keep patients safe despite the administrators’ ridiculous staffing policies.