registered nurses
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TAMPA, FL – In order to comply with new government healthcare regulations involving patient satisfaction, hospital administrators at Tampa Memorial Cross Hospital have decided to rename registered nurses (RNs) to a more appropriate title, “Refreshments and Narcotics”.

registered nurses
“Kind sir, here is your Vicodin for your 12/10 pain”

“Change had to occur,” said hospital CEO Karen Wildrens.  “Government-mandated health care changes have forced us to adopt new hospital practices.  We need to update our current workers and recruit for what we actually need at the hospital.”

In order to allow nurses to still hold and maintain a title of RN, a simple replacement of the words starting with the same letters easily allowed the hospital to maintain the abbreviation.

Wildrens continued: “I think our nurses will appreciate a more accurate job title.  Who wants to be called one thing when that has nothing to do with what you are actually doing?  Healthcare is not measured by the quality of healthcare anymore.  Pleasing the patient in giving them whatever they want in a homely atmosphere is the new standard.  We technically don’t need qualified RNs now, well not registered nurses that is (chuckle).”

The human resources department can now recruit nurses who will fill new roles and will be less likely to fight the system like veteran nurses.

“Most veteran nurses have already expressed their displeasure in their new roles here, so we are hoping to just infuriate them enough to quit. New nurses tend to be energetic and naïve.  If we tell them from the start that they will be delivering Dilaudid and turkey sandwiches as their full time job, they are more likely to just accept it.  Most have student loans and need a job, so I believe our program will work.”

Nursing schools will soon add new classes in their curriculum to accommodate these unmet demands.  Classes will focus on dispensing obscene amounts of narcotic pain medications to patients who claim 10/10 pain despite texting on their phone, and refreshment and culinary management classes.  Students will graduate knowing how to cut crust off sandwiches, how to determine a proper mayonnaise to meat ratio, and how to make mojitos, skills which current nurses clearly do not possess.

“Refreshments and narcotics driven care should give us an extra 2.5% in reimbursement this year,” said Wildrens.  “Next year we should be able to afford the splash mountain theme park in our atrium, in addition to hiring Chef Ramsay for our new 5-star restaurant.  What a hospital we have here!”

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  • Esther Clark

    Do not forget the all important sierra mist!!!

  • Mike

    It is laughable. It has gotten to the point of just ridiculous. I had to finally get away from hospital nursing after over 20 years for just this(and some other) reasons. it’s a shame what is going on and nobody really seems to care, certainly not nurse managers and higher ups who blindly just do what they are told. Long gone are the days of the nurse being ‘in charge’ of the patient. Long gone are the days of the nurse being able to ‘read the riot act’ to a patient in order for them to see what is actually best for them. Years ago nurses had the reputations as being drill sergeants and for good reason- they were doing what was best for the patient. Now if you don’t treat them like ‘guests in a 4 star hotel’ you’re likely to be fired. it’s sad.

  • Karen Ressler Levinson

    Me too. June.

  • Casca

    I had one cure a seizure once

  • Bridgitte Reed

    Chris Mccarrick

  • Rana Whitney

    Mark Nolan :-)

  • Jason Roberts

    Spot on… Again…

  • Dawn Flowers-Brough

    Lame

  • Brad Eisenberg

    I’m still waiting for administrations to continue to cut staffing hours and increase burnout rate- so that those coming to the ED with an acute case of fibromyalgia will see the new pretty flowers around the main entrance that cost $20k, the now all private rooms that have their own 65″ 4k Sony HDTVs, with an MD required to fluff all patient pillows and place an Andes mint on top during rounds, with the RNs writing a personal note to every drug seeker thanking them for choosing this institution. Because diaudid + unnecessary admission always = a good evaluation! We aim to please; after all.

  • Patricia Brock Brown

    I am so glad I retire soon

  • Claire Diane Colette

    Hahhahahah

  • Claire Diane Colette

    Hahhahahah

  • Mark P Stacy

    I want to hawk “Morphine, Methadone, and M&Ms.” Calling dibs!

  • Cuoghi Edens

    Hahaha. So true. So sad.

  • January Fields-Meehan

    Sometimes Gomerblog gets it so right it’s scary…

  • Dan McCarthy

    The healthcare model which we operate on is ripe for fraud, abuse and poor results as we treat symptoms. The model needs to change to one of keeping people healthy. There are two major problems with the healthy model. 1) Doctors use the model for revenue enhancement rather than what the patient actually needs. 2) Patients are unwilling to go to the doctor to maintain their health. They don’t want to pay the doctor, they don’t have the money, they don’t want to take time off work etc.

  • Tom Dumont

    Wrong Justin, it’s “medication that starts with a D but can’t remember the name cause I am allergic to everything else, socks, and sandwiches!”

  • Lianna Gallup

    Lmao

  • Diane Johnson-Barefoot

    I had a ham sandwich once cure a patient’s preterm labor……..

  • Debby Rosenberg

    this is so true it’s scary…..don’t forget we need to clean the beds and floors to so the union staff can get their breaks and refreshments too

  • Lillian Michelle Dickey

    And BSN stands for “barista serving narcotics.”

  • Courtney Whitaker Bun

    Lolol

  • Christine Viapiano

    Oh so true!

  • Anne Doyle

    Splash mountain lol!!

  • Gomerblog

    Love it!

  • Judy Wright Fabio

    Forgot the IT specialist too

  • Justin Jp Porter

    They forgot the stadium vendor training to allow maximum opportunities to pass out these meds. “Dilaudid, socks, sandwiches here!!! Get your dilaudid, socks and sandwiches!!!”

  • Amanda Moore DeJohn

    Paul DeJohn give em the Dilahduh and a sammich!

  • Pierre Oiseau

    Hahahaha

  • Ted Thompson

    Sigh, if it were only funny……

  • Wendy Reese

    I’m borrowing this. It’s perfect

  • Debbie Rowe

    Some many things to be grateful to #PressGaney…don’t even know where to start!

  • Bill Moore

    We all know a sparkling refreshing beverage and savory light snack served up in a timely fashion by the nurse will improve Press Gainey scores!

  • Megan Gretler

    Good thing we need a Bachelors degree for this, too.

  • Kaci Michele Hauck

    I’m thinking about adding a tip jar to the nurses station

  • Carole Bryant

    We had a frequent flyer in grand island nebraska who always came into ER with c/o chest pain for which she insisted she needed Darvocet and a turkey sandwich. In that order. When we tried morphine or nitro she would explain, “oh it’s not that kind of chest pain.” True story.

  • Nina Marie Haverkamp

    Lol! Story of our lives! I’m a glorified waitress who wipes people “business” and cleans up other body fluids and makes beds…..

  • Jana Caldwell Ricker

    My life…

  • Ahmed R. Ibrahim

    Lol

  • Katie Watt-morgan

    This would be funnier if it wasn’t so true ;)

  • Grace del Real

    Gimme my dilaudid and Turkey sammich!

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