SANDERSVILLE, GA – Sandersville Medical Center, a recently-opened Level VIII Trauma Center located two hours southwest of Atlanta, barely has any resources whatsoever and only really has the capacity to take care of simple paper cuts, sources tell Gomerblog.

“For comparison, a Level V Trauma Center has basic emergency department (ED) capabilities, trauma nurses and physicians, after-hours protocols that can be activated, provides surgery and other critical care services, and has transfer agreements with Levels I through III Trauma Centers, which have even more robust resources,” explained American Trauma Society President Dr. Christopher Michetti.  “What does Sandersville Medical Center have?  Like nine Band-Aids.  It begs the question of why open a Level VIII Trauma Center at all.”

Rick Atwater, CEO of Sandersville Medical Center, confirmed his hospital has no ED, one medical tech, zero doctors or nurses, is opened only from 10 AM to 10:45 AM on Wednesdays, and has no transfer agreements with Level I through V Trauma Centers.  When asked if he thought his trauma center was essentially useless, Atwater said, “Everyone is entitled to an opinion but I do want to correct something for the record:  We have ten Band-Aids, not nine.”

Atwater added that though his hospital hasn’t been confronted with any paper cuts just yet, he feels “absolutely confident” that his trauma center can handle ones that are “small” or “somewhat inconsequential.”

Sandersville Medical Center hope to have a small bottle of BENGAY, maybe even “a used ACE bandage or two” in their possession by 2018.

OMAHA, NE – Local resident Amy Shoemaker has tried to inform her children over and over that Band-Aids applied to only superficial wounds make no difference in long-term outcomes.

“I told [Hailey], ‘Look at the data!  No difference compared to placebo when using a Band-Aid, especially if it is a Dora Band-Aid.'” Still Hailey, 5, and Emma, 3, demand Band-Aids for any bump or tiny scrape they accrue.

Her 5-year-old took modern science and threw it out the window when she heard the evidence from her mother and – not backed by any peer-reviewed study – demanded a Band-Aid.

The 3-year-old refuses to believe any Band-Aid that isn’t pink will not work when it’s clearly made from the same materials as the blue ones.  “She might as well visit a witch doctor,” Amy said in frustration.  “This paper is clearly powered correctly, and the confidence interval shows there is no significant difference.  Urgh!”

Sources confirm that Amy’s daughter also wants her to “kiss” her “owie.”  Infection control was notified of a clear contamination of the patient’s wound with oral flora.

Pediatricians have conformed similar frustrations in dealing with anti-vaxxers like these little children.  “They just don’t listen to science.  Maybe if we color the vaccines pink or green, they would start taking them!”