paper cut level VIII trauma center

Level VIII Trauma Center Can Only Take Care of Paper Cuts Really

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SANDERSVILLE, GA – Sandersville Medical Center, a recently-opened Level VIII Trauma Center located two hours southwest of Atlanta, barely has any resources whatsoever and only really has the capacity to take care of simple paper cuts, sources tell Gomerblog.

paper cut level VIII trauma center
“Ma’am, just to be upfront, this might be outside our capabilities…”

“For comparison, a Level V Trauma Center has basic emergency department (ED) capabilities, trauma nurses and physicians, after-hours protocols that can be activated, provides surgery and other critical care services, and has transfer agreements with Levels I through III Trauma Centers, which have even more robust resources,” explained American Trauma Society President Dr. Christopher Michetti.  “What does Sandersville Medical Center have?  Like nine Band-Aids.  It begs the question of why open a Level VIII Trauma Center at all.”

Rick Atwater, CEO of Sandersville Medical Center, confirmed his hospital has no ED, one medical tech, zero doctors or nurses, is opened only from 10 AM to 10:45 AM on Wednesdays, and has no transfer agreements with Level I through V Trauma Centers.  When asked if he thought his trauma center was essentially useless, Atwater said, “Everyone is entitled to an opinion but I do want to correct something for the record:  We have ten Band-Aids, not nine.”

Atwater added that though his hospital hasn’t been confronted with any paper cuts just yet, he feels “absolutely confident” that his trauma center can handle ones that are “small” or “somewhat inconsequential.”

Sandersville Medical Center hope to have a small bottle of BENGAY, maybe even “a used ACE bandage or two” in their possession by 2018.

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    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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