President Trump announced at a press conference yesterday that the White House would soon be advocating for a new approach to decreasing COVID 19 cases in the U.S.

“It has come to our attention that many numbers and graphs have been put out about COVID 19 in our country, some good and some not so good,” commented president Trump. “Well, in working with lots of experts, we have determined that the best course of action, quite frankly, is to turn these graphs upside-down.”

If successful, the move would decrease coronavirus cases by 200%, and make the US the only country to cure cases it didn’t have. However, the scientific community has criticized the move, describing it as “totally idiotic” and saying “that’s not how math works.”

“It is ridiculous the think that by simply turning a graph over, cases will decrease. It is like saying that turning beds upside down will let us discharge more patients, or that doctors can do physical exams by simply writing in the chart about it.”

Though the validity has been challenged by scientists, others have simply wondered how such a feat could be possible. While PowerPoint appears to be the leading hypothesis, Photoshop may have been used as well. When asked about the software, and the amount of manpower it would take to accomplish this, Dr. Erkison of the CDC refused to speculate saying “What the hell does it matter, it still won’t change anything. And besides, all you have to do is click and hold on the top part of the picture box and drag it past the bottom.”

Though most countries have continued with efforts toward improved testing and contact tracing, some countries are following suit. New information from Russia suggests they are now testing patients for COVID so they can make a graph to invert.

At a briefing today, White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany expressed more positive feelings about this shift in policy. “We feel very good about getting the country back to work now that all the cases have been cured. And even better, we won’t have to continue to develop vaccines or conduct trials on drugs like ivermectiwhatever and remdesiwhogivesacrap.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – According to numerous nursing sources who have taken his vital signs and other intake information, recently-fired FBI Director James “Jim” Comey’s height can be best classified by the terms “absolutely freakish” and “tremendously gigantic,” and is estimated to be on the order of 554 feet and 7 ¹¹⁄₃₂ inches, which puts him about level with the Washington Monument.

“His immense stride allows him to fjord any river in no more than 3 steps,” said Acting Director of the FBI Andrew McCabe.  “He can also afford a tremendous amount of shade when other skyscrapers just aren’t tall enough.”  He went on to say that he is finding Comey’s shoes very hard to fill, particularly since he wore size 795 boots.  Finding fall precaution socks to fit him is proving equally challenging.

Several news agencies only became privy to Comey’s towering stature when recent pictures and videos surfaced with him shaking hands with President Trump during a White House ceremony honoring law enforcement in January.  Even President Trump, who himself is 6′ 2″ tall, was impressed.  “He’s UUUUGGE!” he told Gomerblog while shielding his eyes as he stared upward trying to meet Comey’s gaze.

Several radiologists use Comey for cover to prevent direct interaction with sunlight.

For health care professionals, they wondered what might happen if Comey needed medical care.

“If Comey required a pan [CT] scan, it would likely take weeks even months to lengthen the patient table, let alone capture his entire body,” said MedStar Washington Hospital Center radiologist Stephen McDougal.  “By the time we scanned his feet, the information on his head will be obsolete.”  He added later: “Could you imagine an LP on that guy?  That’s one massive needle.”

Johns Hopkins Hospital nurse Tamara Brown had similar concerns.  “We would have to string hundreds of beds together end-to-end to get him to fit.”

Many Americans still wonder why Comey was fired but the explanation is simpler than you might think.  “Every time he takes a step there’s an earthquake,” explained Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein, “not to mention all the ceilings and door frames he’s ruined by slamming his massive noggin into them.  The repairs will cost taxpayers tens of millions of dollars.  For that reason alone, we had to let him go.”