President Trump announced at a press conference yesterday that the White House would soon be advocating for a new approach to decreasing COVID 19 cases in the U.S.
“It has come to our attention that many numbers and graphs have been put out about COVID 19 in our country, some good and some not so good,” commented president Trump. “Well, in working with lots of experts, we have determined that the best course of action, quite frankly, is to turn these graphs upside-down.”
If successful, the move would decrease coronavirus cases by 200%, and make the US the only country to cure cases it didn’t have. However, the scientific community has criticized the move, describing it as “totally idiotic” and saying “that’s not how math works.”
“It is ridiculous the think that by simply turning a graph over, cases will decrease. It is like saying that turning beds upside down will let us discharge more patients, or that doctors can do physical exams by simply writing in the chart about it.”
Though the validity has been challenged by scientists, others have simply wondered how such a feat could be possible. While PowerPoint appears to be the leading hypothesis, Photoshop may have been used as well. When asked about the software, and the amount of manpower it would take to accomplish this, Dr. Erkison of the CDC refused to speculate saying “What the hell does it matter, it still won’t change anything. And besides, all you have to do is click and hold on the top part of the picture box and drag it past the bottom.”
Though most countries have continued with efforts toward improved testing and contact tracing, some countries are following suit. New information from Russia suggests they are now testing patients for COVID so they can make a graph to invert.
At a briefing today, White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany expressed more positive feelings about this shift in policy. “We feel very good about getting the country back to work now that all the cases have been cured. And even better, we won’t have to continue to develop vaccines or conduct trials on drugs like ivermectiwhatever and remdesiwhogivesacrap.”