Study: Red Wine in Moderation Good, in Excess Freaking Amazing

ROCHESTER, MN – Wine enthusiasts bust out the Cabernet Sauvignon, Pinot Noir, and other red varietals, and get ready to celebrate!  An exciting new study published in JAMA (Journal of Alcoholics & More Alcoholics) showed that red wine in moderation is good for you, while red wine in excess is absolutely freaking amazing!

“This is a landmark study, I tell you, landmark!” said primary care physician Diana Lowell, as she danced and giggled around her house in a bathrobe with two glasses of wine in hand.  She has at least twenty more progress notes to write but she has her priorities straight.  “How do you even spell ‘landmark’?  Wow, I must be so… so… wasted!  Medicine rules!!!”

For decades, the belief has been that antioxidants called polyphenols, in particular resveratrol, help increase HDL, decrease LDL, and protect the lining of coronary arteries in humans.  In addition, they may prevent the development of diabetes and obesity.  However, the only studies in the literature that used resveratrol were in mice and pigs.  The equivalent dose of resveratrol in humans would equate to 1,000 liters of red wine consumed every day.

So the question is blatantly obvious: How AMAZING does 1,000 liters of wine per day sound??!!

The answer: AMAZEBALLS!!!

Lead author of the study Amanda Vino explains.  “Well, don’t you feel pretty great after one glass of red wine and a nice meal?  Now, imagine how we’d feel after 1,000 liters?  Our hearts would be indestructible and we’d probably live forever!”  Vino proceeded to open two more bottles of Barolo and double-fist.  “Here’s to heart health!  Cheers!!”

The study by Vino and colleagues enrolled thousands and thousands of eager and willing participants, health care practitioners included, and gave them as much red wine as they wanted, which was just about 1,000 liters of red wine per day.  The results: more red wine meant more awesome, and more red wine to the point of excess was just absolutely the bomb.  When asked if 1,000 liters of red wine per day was a bit excessive, Vino and colleagues began rolling on the floor laughing, some even peed their pants, without ever actually answering our question.

Health care leaders nationwide are looking to build wine cellars in hospitals and clinics in order to promote better cardiac health, not only among patients, but health care practitioners as well.  Some administrators are even looking to hire hospital sommeliers to help health care practitioners pair wines well with their patients.  Expect to see a few wine bars appearing on medical floors, surgical suites, PACUs, and ICUs over the next few weeks.

Vino and colleagues’ paper will be cited for decades to come, in particular their two-word summary of their findings in the discussion section of their study.  Those two words simply read: “BOTTOM’S UP!”  Sage advice indeed!

Thank you, Vino and colleagues, for authoring one of the greatest papers of all time.  GomerBlog salutes you!

Obviously a satire article, and not meant to be a true study, for anybody who may have been confused.  Please don’t go and drink 1,000 liters of red wine and say that GomerBlog said it was good for you.