So who exactly received the Pope’s blessing?
Anesthesiologists
The Pope blessed anesthesiologists and their rectal tones: “May they never err, and may they remain relaxed even when patients are hypoxemic.”
Breakthroughs in Medical Technology
The Pope is amazed by the innovations in the field of medicine and blessed several of its most holy devices: the Ativan diffuser, the Bong Incentive Spirometer, the Michael Kors surgical gown line, Pain Detector and monitors featuring the brand-new Press Ganey vital sign.
Challenging Patients
The Pope blessed the many difficult patients that are out there – those suffering from status dramaticus or selfishness, and those who are a pain in the a** or just plain a**holes – hoping they can “be just a bit more normal” and, even more so, “blessed are those healthcare practitioners who take care of these patients.”
Doc McStuffins
The data is out there: Doc McStuffins is more evidenced-based than Dr. Oz. However, due to her dismal patient satisfaction scores, she was canceled. Pope Francis advised Doc McStuffins to “stay strong” and believes that “good always prevails over evil.”
Hungry, Thirsty Healthcare Personnel
The crisis of missing books of delivery menus is real and Pope Francis offered his blessing to ensure that all healthcare practitioners, particularly those who work the night shift, always have access to food, wine, and code carts full of turkey sandwiches. He also blessed them with the ability to remember when to pee.
Information Technology (IT)
It is still unclear if the IT department at Have Mercy on Me Hospital in Los Angeles has escaped to safety, which is why Pope Francis blessed electronic medical records and IT departments across the globe with the power of less eye-gouging updates.
Orthopedic Surgeons
Limited only to shorthand or emojis, Pope Francis blessed orthopods with the power to communicate with words, phrases, and even sentences.
Physical Therapy & Occupational Therapy (PT & OT)
PT and OT has been battling through an ugly public divorce; Pope Francis blessed them with the power to reconcile their differences and agree to always recommend subacute rehab.
Radiologists
Pope Francis is aware of how much radiologists hedge, hedge, and hedge. He has blessed them with the powers of both diagnosis and confidence in that diagnosis.
Ronda Rousey & Tim Howard
For helping defenseless healthcare practitioners from drug-seekers and perpetual admissions, the Pope offered his sincere thanks to Rousey & Howard for their contributions to the medical field, making it a safe and more pleasant place.
But who didn’t receive the Pope’s blessing?
Dr. Oz
“Dr. Oz Says” will be the most used code in ICD-10. Asked what he thought, Pope Francis replied, “Not even I can bless this man.”
Joy Behar
“Never mind what I say,” explained an honest Pope Francis. “Miss Colorado and nurses everywhere have already damned her to hell.”
Google Medical Center
The Pope believes Google Medical Center is full of sin and likely will “turn into a giant fireball of evil and descend into hell.” Amen to that!
ICD-10
The Pope is still shaking his papal mind over this one: “All I can say is blessed are those healthcare practitioners who must suffer through this difficult transition. I certainly prefer the proposed ICD-11 system instead.”
