CHICAGO, IL – Gomerblog has some exciting news to report: 59-year-old Fred Turntable is crying tears of joy this morning after he was reunited with his own penis, which had gone missing nearly three decades ago after growing abdominal girth increasingly separated the two. Search and rescue teams successfully spotted his penis late last night under the patient’s fourth panniculus.
“This little whipper snapper is a fighter, I knew he wouldn’t give up,” Turntable told the press, hugging his companion with both hands, not wanting to let go. “I can’t express my gratitude. I haven’t seen him in ages. He looks just exactly how I remembered him: small, sad, and pale.”
On October 23, 1986, Turntable said he could no longer spot his penis and hadn’t laid eyes on it since. Searches with his own bare hands and even with the help of family and friends turned up nothing. One year ago, operations to locate Turntable’s genitals were almost suspended for good, though Turntable insisted that he might be lost in the deep recesses of the unknown: the fourth panniculus.
“One panniculus is bad enough, but four?” said Darren Lantern, urologist and head of the penile search and rescue team. “We’ve lost many brave men and women in the labyrinths of peoples’ first, second, and third panniculus. The fourth panniculus… Well, frankly that’s unchartered territory in the human wilderness.” Lantern says this with a heavy heart; his best friend was swallowed alive by a third panniculus earlier this year.
Lantern and team became the first humans to ever risk their lives in the unrelenting climate of the fourth panniculus all in the pursuit of knowledge and genitals. They armed themselves with extra food rations, oxygen masks, and rifles. “I’m not going lie,” admitted Lantern. “We were terrified.” Lantern states he saw many new lifeforms and creatures never before seen on earth. “There were times I thought I was in an alien landscape.”
At 10:25 EST last night, Lantern and team spotted a collection of tissue not consistent with a panniculus and more consistent with a penis. “We couldn’t believe he survived all these decades: it was shriveled, emaciated, gasping for air, and chafed, very chaffed,” explained Lantern. “But despite that, his spirit remained strong.” By spirit, Lantern meant shaft.
Turntable has been gracious to grant media outlets, including Gomerblog, the opportunity to capture this emotional moment: every one likes to see a happy ending. However, Turntables does ask that for privacy for he and his penis over the upcoming days because… ahem… well… for… you know.
