LAS VEGAS, NV – Less than 24 hours after extending his record to an incredible 50-0 after defeating MMA fighter Conor McGregor, Floyd “Money” Mayweather was hospitalized for shortness of breath and hypoxemia, and emergently intubated after he accidentally aspirated the $300 million in earnings from his fight.
“He collected his huge check after the fight and, sure, he was happy at first, but then shortly found himself literally drowning in dollar bills,” said Mayweather’s trainer and father Floyd Mayweather Sr. “He was unable to stay afloat, next thing we knew he was swallowing Benjamins, and a bunch must have gone down the wrong pipe because he started choking, coughing, and not looking good.” In fact, Mayweather Sr. added, the payload was causing Mayweather more trouble than Conor McGregor.
Mayweather presented to the Emergency Room at University Medical Center where staff immediately noted the irony of an undefeated defensive fighter unable to protect his own airway. That being said, emergency staff tried to examine him but failed. “He’s the greatest defensive boxer of all-time and it translates to the patient setting: we couldn’t get a single physical exam maneuver in, not one!” explained gassed emergency medicine attending Elaine Gilbert. “Thankfully he turned blue and were able to sneak in an endotracheal tube with his guard down.”
In the intensive care unit (ICU), critical care attending Eric Jennings performed bronchoalveolar lavage (BAL), which was positive for polymonetary involvement. Over the next hour, Jennings aspirated hundreds if not thousands of twenty, fifty, and hundred-dollar bills.
“I’ve never seen so many money plugs in my life, no wonder Mayweather was so hypoxemic,” Jennings told Gomerblog after the BAL. “I must have removed at least $50 million from the left main stem bronchus alone.” Jennings hopes to dig out the other $250 million over a series of staged BALs in the next 48 hours.
The first set of samples have been sent to the lab for cash count and culture.
