HANOVER, NJ – Local emergency medicine physicians have developed a groundbreaking way to reduce the number of patients they will see during a shift. The new policy mimics a common Halloween tradition: leave a bowl full of candy outside with a sign that says “Take One,” allowing one to get drunk and not be bothered by children.
Typically an ER physician will argue with patients all night long regarding narcotic prescriptions. This causes longer wait times in the ER waiting room for all other comers. People with sore arms, teeth, ears, frenulums, and chronic abdominal pain will visit local ERs at odd hours for the remote hope that they will be prescribed Percocet; Dilaudid if the opioid gods find favor them.
“At first I was a little cynical of this new plan,” Dr. Harvey told reporters. “I mean most pain patients are allergic to Vicodin, Percocet, Motrin, and Tylenol; therefore – and quite coincidentally – Dilaudid is the only medication that helps with their pain. Was I ever wrong! Last night we had a no-hitter. That is the first on the books.”
Local resident Patricia Storm, who used to have a Tylenol allergy raves about the new program. “I used to have a Tylenol allergy but that is when I had to wait three hours to get Dilaudid! Now all I have to do is walk in, take a handful of Percocet, and head home. My day isn’t ruined by my 10/10 pain.”
Costs have fallen, storage closets are full of script pads, wait times are at record lows, and the ER hasn’t received a complaint in months. Dilaumed prescriptions, not to be confused with Dilaudid, have disappeared completely.
Critics argue some patients prefer oxycodone and even fentanyl lollipops for their pain. Dr. Runofsky replied with an easy solution: “They can wait if they want to.”
To date no one has.
