BALTIMORE, MD – A revolutionary new emergency department will be tested soon in the Second Memorial Semi-Regional Healthcare Center and Annexes.  “We took functional components from the car wash and car manufacturing industries’ business models,” said Brock Welton, development consultant for Healthcare Solutions Megacorp, Inc.  “The human body is often referred to as a machine, so we decided as we designed the KwikCheck to include a little ‘preventative maintenance’ as we process, so to speak, each patient.”

“The way this will work is that attendants i.e. medical personnel, will be on each side of an aisle, or ‘run,’ with a tech pushing a patient on a gurney slowly through the aisle.  First all clothing will be removed, an ID bracelet will be applied, all vital signs checked, a 108-point visual inspection made, and (if the patient is coherent), a doctor will ask about their symptoms.”

“Secondly, saliva, urine and fecal (if possible) samples are obtained.  Thirdly, without waiting for time-consuming diagnoses, general pain meds and antibiotics will be administered ‘just in case.’  Similarly, an overhead X-ray will shoot a few pictures.  O2 will be applied if necessary, and an IV will be started if needed.  Another doctor will be posted at the end of the run to process all samples through the Lab-O-Matic, confer with the doctor at the beginning of the run via headset, and decide whether any specific treatments or other diagnostics are needed.”

“Robotic arms, similar to car-manufacturing plants, to administer the pain and antibiotics meds, start IVs, move x-ray arms, bullet/knife removal, etc., and possibly even to shave the patient, are all in the works.”

Patients can elect for the Regular treatment, as specified above, or for an extra small fee, the Gold treatment, which includes all of the above plus a hot damp washcloth applied to face and then peri area, a 10-minute mini-massage toward the end of the line, and (if able to swallow) complimentary Perrier and 2 chocolate-chip cookies at completion of visit.

Regardless of whether the Regular or Gold treatment is chosen, the patient’s Frequent-ED Card is stamped, with a free visit given after every 7 stamps.  Mr. Welton explained further: “Much as food moves through your gastrointestinal tract in a consistent manner, we think the idea of ‘patient peristalsis’ can gain hold in the healthcare community.  Each patient can move through the KwikChek ‘run,’ if you will, starting and stopping as needed for minor individual tweaks.  Larger hospitals can have 2, 3, or even 4 KwikChek ‘runs’ ready for those busy weekend evenings.”