BIRMINGHAM, AL – In an effort to withstand the imminent increase in patient volumes with the coming of winter, Birmingham Medical Center (BMC) administrators have unveiled a new state-of-the-art hospital fortress to withstand patient advances and create a much-needed extra line of defense to protect their overwhelmed and understaffed medical providers.
“Administrators got this right and for once morale has been lifted,” said thoracic surgeon and Tower 2 night watch Alan Waters. “Bring on winter! OORAH!!!!!”
“WE WILL BE VICTORIOUS!!!!” screamed charge nurse Emma Johnston, as she took position behind a 24-pounder howitzer at the ready. “On my mark…”
Winters for the past two decades have left providers at Birmingham Medical Center bloodied, battered, wounded, and traumatized by the legions of patients and families and their postprandial, noncompliant, or psychogenic complaints. Last winter, Birmingham Medical Center suffered the worst defeat in its history at the Battle of Benzos & Narcs where over 500 medical providers were found burned out, washed up, and maimed.
BMC providers and administrators decided that enough was enough; this winter things were going to change and it started with a stronger defensive position.
“Building a fortress was the next logical step,” explained CEO Monica Gresham of the Rounds Table. “Can you think of anything else? I can’t.”
Construction on Birmingham Hospital Fortress began in the early summer and was completed just after Thanksgiving. The hospital was erected on the tallest hill in the countryside to increase visibility against the threat of ambulance advances. Using the blueprint of a medieval castle as a guide, administrators created a central hospital keep that house all hospital personnel, which is then surrounded by a four-story-tall inner wall with guard towers, a 20-foot-thick outer wall, and finally a large 100-foot-wide moat containing man-eating alligators and sharks. Access to the fortress is through a sterile drawbridge, operated and guarded by a rotating cavalry of interns and medical students.
Though the fortress is medieval in design, it is modern in warfare. Unmanned drones and F-22s provide reconnaissance on outside hospital (OSH) transfers. The outside perimeter of the moat is lined with landmines and heavy artillery. Each of the four guard towers is armed with surface-to-air missiles (SAMs) in the event of incoming life flights. All hospital personnel have been provided with cutting-edge camouflage scrubs, personal protective equipment, and Kevlar white coats. All hospital personnel have undergone weeks to months of extensive training in offensive maneuvers (discharges), defensive tactics (diversion), and hand-to-hand combat (hand-to-hand combat).
“Patients can sneak up on you whenever and wherever, so you always have to be sharp, always on guard,” whispered Tower 4 dermatologist and sniper Samantha McFadden. “They are masters of disguise. They can masquerade as chest pain, abdominal pain, bleeding, wheezing, rashes, placement… they are very clever. And they are very, very persistent.”
The hospital’s crown jewel and most treasured resource is under lock-and-key: Dilaudid is under safe-keeping, hidden amidst a complex series of underground mazes within the fortress and guarded by several dozen of the medical staff’s most lethal pharmacists and members of the OB-GYN Secret Cervix team.
Though all is quiet on the western medicine front, medical personnel and soldiers of the new Birmingham Hospital Fortress are ready to achieve their two primary objectives of Winter 2014-2015: zero casualties and zero admissions.
