TERRE HAUTE, IN – Toxicologists all over the country have noted a disturbing trend with regard to street drug overdoses: while overdoses of Spice seem to be declining, Pumpkin Spice overdoses have recently gone through the roof.
“It’s very strange, as we have noticed a trend like this every year when autumn arrives,” said local toxicologist Linus Van Pelt. “This leads us to believe that there is some sort of seasonal variation, such as with influenza season or with RSV. However, in contrast to winter respiratory viruses, in past years the Pumpkin Spice epidemic seems to shut off like a valve shortly after the holidays.”
ED physicians have noted a sharp spike in cases of Pumpkin Spice toxicity, usually manifested by tachycardia, jitteriness, mild tremor and an uncontrollable urge to make a run to the closest Starbucks. “It’s almost like once an addict is aware that Pumpkin Spice is locally available, they have to have it immediately,” said Van Pelt. “It’s addictive urge is comparable to that of heroin and nicotine. People can’t seem to quit unless they just can’t get their hands on it anymore.” Often users wake in the morning afterwards to find themselves exceptionally tired and slow of mentation until they get their fix.
However, it’s not just laced coffee that is the problem. ED physicans have reported Pumpkin Spice being hidden in beer, holiday pies, scented candles, plug-in air fresheners and even beer. “It’s diabolical where they hide this stuff. The pushers are ingenious when it comes to finding a way to get their product out into the public. Grocery stores, coffee shops, roadside produce stands, Bath and Body Works stores… they have all been used as a front to move this drug.” It is believed that the drug originates in the Midwest, and then is distributed to other parts of the country via interstate trucking of farm produce.
Like Spice, Pumpkin Spice is still legal in the U.S., as there has not yet been legislation to control its use or distribution, despite the apparent dangers. It often goes by street names such as Pie, Yummy Candle, Fall Juice, Squash, Jack ‘O Lantern, and Latte. It has even made its way into the suburban population, as it seems to be very popular with white-collar workers and soccer moms. “No one is safe from this stuff,” says Van Pelt. “People think it’s harmless, but even trying it once can get you hooked.
“I don’t what we can do to stop the spread of this menace,” said Van Pelt. “I just worry that something more sinister may come along to take its place,” he said, sipping his Starbucks mocha peppermint latte.
