The New Year is upon us so what better way to set ourselves up for disappointment than with New Year’s Resolutions. As you lay on the couch exhausted from a holiday’s worth of hard work and overeating, you’ve probably come across articles teaching tricks on how to be healthy, happy, and safe in 2016. Blah blah and blah! The rhetoric is very skewed, which is why we want to balance the scales a bit and provide you with great tips for an unfulfilling, short, and unhealthy life. Ready, set, Cheetos!
Do not get ample sleep.
Sleep is not very productive: you can’t watch Real Housewives, you can’t check email every 30 seconds, and you can’t read the Facebook status of someone with whom you only had one meaningful interaction back in high school. People make the mistake of waking up refreshed after a good night’s sleep. Feeling refreshed leads to optimism and we can’t have any of that.
Exercise your right not to exercise.
You’ve heard of the runner’s high. Equivalent effects can occur after long bouts of exercise through the body’s natural production of endorphins and endocannabinoids. That’s a lot to ask of the body. The body has enough to do with things like breathing, pumping blood, and blinking. It’s much easier to have a few cups of joe, 2-liter bottles of soda, or even smoke a joint. Plus, it’s no effort for anyone involved, even the barista who got your espresso wrong.
A lazy body is a happy body.
In an ideal world, the human body should be placed in a non-Mom-approved slouch position on a rickety unsupported chair or couch in front of a bright rectangular screen and remain in this position for 24 hours a day 7 days a week.
Eat crap, lots of it.
Prevention was a great idea back in the day when your only option was leeches. But it’s 2016 now! Internists can prescribe blood pressure medications and insulin, cardiologists can remove blockages, plastic surgeons can suck out fat, general surgeons can do funky bypasses and bariatric surgery, and orthopedic surgeons can replace your hips and knees joints when they inevitably crumble. So go nuts, healthcare is a great Plan B!
Drink anything but water.
Water tastes like… BORING! We have taste buds not boredom buds. Blitzkrieg those buds with buckets of salt, buckets of sugar. Caffeine causes your heart to exercise without the physical effort, sugar makes sure your pancreas is on its toes, and carbonation not only causes a great fun fizzle, but it helps erode tooth enamel (that’s why we have dentists!).
More alcohol!
Alcohol can cause numerous acute and chronic complications, but it’s worth it for a good story about stupidity, right?
Do not stimulate your mind.
Many people fear losing their memory as they age. But not you! This won’t be a problem if you live the short, unhealthy life! Rather than keeping up with current events, engaging in deep conversations with friends and family, or immersing yourself in a good book, do the right thing: watch numerous episodes of Code Black and when you’re done, rewatch them.
Socially isolate yourself.
Watching garbage is the best path to social isolation. Why interact with your fellow peers and experience the spectrum of human emotion when you can stay at home and figure out what new smells your body can produce?
Bottle your emotions.
We all get stressed out and frustrated at times. Sometimes it’s due to work; sometimes it’s due to other things. When that happens, the best thing to do is ignore yourself and bottle those emotions tightly, keeping them suppressed for as long as possible, until the right unpredictable moment in the future when some insignificant thing causes you to snap and break down into an inconsolable ball of sadness and tears. It’s totally unhealthy; that’s why we recommend it!
Never be in the moment.
Focus on things you can’t control: things that have already happened and things that have yet to happen. The reason why social media was invented was to prevent you from being in the moment, thus making you more prone to get hit by cars in intersections or fall into fountains at the mall because you dare not look up from your rectangular screen. That’s how it should be.
Never own up to a mistake.
Remember that it is never your fault. NEVER. You’re good enough to make up an excuse that is only partially plausible. Apologizing is for children.
Do not learn from your mistakes.
This implies that you want to become a better person. What’s wrong with you?! Ignorance is bliss. Be reckless, be selfish, and be stubborn. These are the true keys to live the most unfulfilling, short, and unhealthy life.
Buy a panda.
Come on! You know you want to.
