Local Pediatric Clinic Finds It Can Cut Visit Time Down by Skipping All Those Pesky Introductions

With insurance company reimbursements plummeting like doctors jumping off five story parking complexes, appointments must be at least 35% shorter. A local innovative practice is leading the way with 3.5 minute appointments. The solution? Dispense with the bull**** pleasantries.

“Parents know who they are and providers know who they are. Can we code for the fact that Sierra won a singing role as one of Ariel’s sisters in the school production of “The Little Mermaid”? No? Then get on with it,” says Dr. Bartholemew Venti, the practice CFO. “We can save at least 1.5 patient minutes by eliminating all this useless chit chat.”

Some pediatricians are early adapters, immediately integrating the new requirements into their patient encounters. “When I saw Raelynn for her well visit last week, she wanted me to listen to her stuffed bunny Hoppy with her Doc McStuffins stethoscope”, said Dr. Misoped. “I mean, who do I look like, Norman Rockwell?”

“It was just a matter of telling her: Raelynn, we can discuss Doc McStuffins or your opsoclonus. Not both.”

Senior executive physicians are enthusiastic about new office software that “takes the smart scheduling concept one step farther,” explains Venti. “With Shrewd Scheduling, we can now schedule appointments in 1/2 minute increments instead of 5 minute increments.”

“A provider can now schedule bathroom breaks. Before, they were wasting entire appointments using the restroom. Now, as long as it’s number 1, it’s not a lady’s “time of the month” and everything comes out ok, they can be back seeing patients in 30 seconds, 45 tops,” adds senior partner Dr. Macchiato.

Venti and Macchiato elaborate. “We’ll know ahead of time precisely how many 1/2 minute increments to schedule. When the front office staff makes the appointments, they’ll ask parents to tell them everything they want to cover in their 8 1/2 minute time slot. I’m sure there’s nothing a parent would want to discuss with a doctor that they wouldn’t also feel completely comfortable discussing with a receptionist.”

But, what about temper tantrums, you ask. Well, the redoubtable Dr. Venti has an answer for that, too.

“Meltdowns at the scale and exam table paper freak-outs can be scheduled, but no longer than 2 minutes. We simply cannot allow little Glock to waste over half his appointment time on a tantrum.”

Not all doctors have been so eager to accommodate the changes. Besides the usual nay-sayers and ne’er do wells in the clinic, there have been some irate ED attendings at the local Children’s Hospital to contend with.

“Sign out that consists of ‘something’s wrong with this 3-year-olds tum tum’ is pathetic and unacceptable. I mean, did you even look at that kid?,” says Dr. O’Toole, a local Children’s Hospital ED attending.

“Another disruptive physician complainer,” sighs Macchiato. “There’s always one.”