WASHINGTON, D.C. – In sweeping reversal of previous legislation, Health and Human Services (HHS) announced stronger punishments for violations of the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act of 1996 (HIPAA), which now include the possibility of capital punishment.
A recent public survey indicated that most American patients (62 percent) are comfortable with the death penalty for healthcare workers whom they feel “gossip way too much” about them. “My doctor doesn’t even listen to me and then I find out they are talking to their secretary about what they don’t tell me? Let ‘em fry,” stated one individual. Surveyors noticed an overall hostility toward healthcare providers, doctors in particular, with some patients requesting a resurrection of gladiator style punishments for particularly disruptive MDs.
“We cannot be too careful,” a chief official spokesperson for the new legislation announced. “We have had some close calls, and enough complaints from reality show celebrities that we had to say enough is enough. We have had two solid weeks of major media coverage on this issue and we are frankly tired of the spotlight being on us…[we need] someone to blame. We have held multiple committee meetings and have come to the conclusion that this is the only way the law will be taken seriously. We are just trying to figure out which would be the most utilitarian capital punishment since we expect we may have to drag people from their offices to administer justice.”
Hospital administrators, patients with attorneys, attorneys, insurance companies, electronic health record companies/subsidiaries, internet search providers, pharmaceutical companies, and the city of Las Vegas, Nevada are exempt from the new regulations, which will be enforced January 1.
