SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Newly-minted attending physician, Dr. Lindsay Moliarty, has a pile of bills to pay: $200,000 in student loans that has accrued $60,000 in interest while struggling to stay afloat during residency and fellowship; $20,000 in credit card bills from car payments and maintenance, traveling for fellowship and job interviews, paying for boards, travel to boards, and boards review courses, etc. All the while, Dr. Moliarty was a good doctor.
“I can’t understand why they’re holding back on me,” complains Dr. Moliarty. “Everyone says that Big Pharma has us all paid off… where is my share?” Indeed, numerous online resources have confirmed that Big Pharma has invested heavily in keeping the population sick by injecting them with virulence factors derived from pathogens, and recommending scheduled diagnostic procedures such as colonoscopies, mammograms, and physical examinations, all designed to find ailments that Big Pharma can profit from. “I’ve written my local Big Pharma representative, and they aren’t returning my calls!”
When we contacted Big Pharma, they were less than forthcoming. However, an anonymous Big Pharma employee contacted us off the record. “It is Dr. Moliarty’s research,” said a heavily encrypted, robotic voice over the phone. “During her residency, she conducted research into the chemotherapeutic properties of turmeric. We can’t let the general population know about this One Simple Trick for cancer. It would destroy our profit margins. Not to mention that it cures sarcoidosis, HIV, hepatitis, migraines, lower back pain, and irritable bowel syndrome.”
In response to this news, Dr. Moliarty promised to discontinue her research into finding a cure for cancer. However, Big Pharma still refuses to pay Dr. Moliarty her honorarium until she disavows all previous research, and reneges her Hippocratic Oath.
