New AHA CPR Guidelines Introduce “Sensual” Rescue Breaths

DALLAS, TX – In a change of course from recent guidelines which stressed hands on chest-only CPR for bystanders, the American Heart Association (AHA) has released new guidelines which highlight the importance of what they refer to as “sensual rescue breathing.”

“In our last guidelines, we stressed hands on chest CPR for bystanders as we falsely believed that bystanders were squeamish about putting their mouths near the mouths of strangers,” AHA CEO Nancy Brown explains.  “But, in a recent joint study conducted by the AHA and the website Tinder, we’ve found that’s just not the case,” Brown explains.

Brown continues that “we’ve found a correlation between increased mortality & morbidity in cases where early rescue breaths were not delivered.  In addition, we’ve found a huge uptick in positive outcomes in cases where what we’re calling ‘sensual rescue breaths’ were given.  Therefore, we recommend at least three rescue tongue sweeps from the rescuer before delivering two rescue breaths per each round of 30 chest compressions.”

When pressed for evidence, Brown states, “We can’t explain it.  We theorize that is has something to do with neuroexcitability, possibly shifting of blood from the extremities to the low core.  All we know is that it works.”

When asked if these recommendations will extend to pediatric CPR, Brown’s tone changes.  “You must be some kind of sicko,” she remarks.  “For the love of God please don’t use these sensual rescue breaths on kids.”

The AHA will be rolling out these new guidelines next year and will also recommend that breath mints be stored with IADs in all public spaces.  “It’s an exciting time with lots of new data coming out,” says Brown.  “Plus, it’s always nice to sell a whole bunch of new CPR guideline books.”