How to F***ing Shine on the Wards: A Med Student Guide to Getting Honors

We all want that coveted “H.” Here’s how to be a star on the wards:

1. On the first day of rotation, don’t forget the massage oil. Your attending is going to sit down at some point, and she is going to expect a sensual foot massage. You don’t necessarily need to bring music, but make sure you at least know how to hum the sexy lead-in to “Let’s Get It On.”

2. Stay out of the way. Ascites provides a nice platform to stand on, but prepare to ride the fluid wave.

3. Be ready to rap your morning rounds presentation. How will you be able to care for patients independently if you can’t even master your flow?

4. Better yet, perform an interpretative dance to communicate your patient’s acute events, vitals, labs, and imaging. Your attending will thank you for integrating the humanities into medicine.

5. Don’t hesitate to ask questions. Appropriate questions range from “Why are rounds taking so long?” to “Mind if I do the next hernia repair?” to “What is kidney?”

6. Attendings are people too. Why not shoot over a quick “How’s it hanging, broseph?” text on Saturday night? Attendings love that.

7. When scrubbing in for the OR, sing the birthday song—addressed to the attending, obviously—fifteen times out loud. Show initiative by leading the rest of the team in the Cha-Cha Slide to stomp off the rest of the bacteria.

8. When a resident or attending asks to use your computer, it’s a trick. Laugh at their funny joke and then continue writing your fake note.

9. Dress (like Beyoncé) to impress.

10. On rounds, do not let anyone else open doors, turn down the TV volume in a patient’s room, or supply gauze. It’s YOUR f** job to be aggressively helpful, and you will claim ALL the glory. To stop silly residents or nurses from interfering, it may be necessary to give a death glare, elbow a b**, and/or mouth “I’ll kill you.”