BOSTON, MA – In the wake of Hurricane Harvey, a new threat is developing in nearby Mercy Hospital. Witnesses report hurricane force winds billowing out from the colonoscopy suite. Gastroenterologic data has recorded sustained winds up to 125 mph, indicating category 3 flatulence. “We’ve never seen anything like it,” reported charge nurse Betsy Edwards. “We’re waiting to hear from the gastroenterologist if we should evacuate.”
This is just the latest squall in a summer that has featured multiple storms of flatulence. “Farticane Freddy tore paint off the walls, but this storm threatens to blow Freddy right out of its anus,” explained a distraught Edwards.
The recent Farticane has prompted many hospital staff to decry the effects of diet change. “There’s no doubt about it,” stated nutritionist Lizzy Bruin. “These horrific fart-astrophes are the direct result of man-made diet change. We need to impose regulations on the hospital cafeteria in order to curtail the effects of diet change before it destroys us all.”
Others are more skeptical, stating that throughout history, humans have gone through regular cycles of intense flatulence. They argue that if we weren’t meant to pass extreme amounts of gas, why did humans evolve such exquisite gas-producing organs.
Scientists contend these fart storms will become more intense over time unless changes are made. Some studies suggest large parts of every hospital will become uninhabitable by the year 2040. For now, doctors and nurses will hold on for dear life in the face of pounding and unrelenting gassiness.
