ER Techs Now to Carry Fanny Packs with More Stuff

It’s no secrets that in the ER if a nurse or doctor requires a piece of equipment that the tech is the one who usually has it on his or her person.  Historically they are the ones that have fanny packs usually filled with a plethora of useful items such as trauma shears, regular scissors, iris scissors, suture removal kits, penlights, one inch tape, two inch tape, hammers, pens, pencils, stethoscopes, ace wraps, measuring tape, hand sanitizer, calipers, protractors, compasses, extra blood pressure cuffs,  pulse ox, bandaids, thermometers, angiocaths, and ammonia capsules.

Hospital administrator Jill Jacobs is in charge of process improvement at morrow county hospital.  Recently she was making the rounds when an ingenious idea came to her.  She thought,  ” hmmm, time is heart muscle. There are only 4 defibrillators in this 32 bed ER. Each one strategically placed.  But what if they are all in use when a patient needs one? “. That’s when she came up with the idea. ” these good for nothin techs need another thing to carry around. “. She drafted a policy that would make it mandatory for them to carry more stuff because they clearly don’t have enough.

The policy is as follows:

1. Each tech should be stationed within a 20 foot radius of all patients at all times.
2. Each tech must carry on his or her person a hospital approved aed, smooth mover, turkey sandwich, and sprite, in addition to their other items.
3. Each tech must perform his or her other patient duties while maintaining eye contact with all other patients and all nurses.
4. Each tech must jingle excessively while walking
5. Each tech must take inventory of their fanny pack before and after each shift and if they have less than 20 pounds of shit, they must remedy that situation immediately
6. Each tech must keep a running log of fanny pack items with expiration dates.
7. Each tech must notify charge nurse immediately if their fanny pack falls below 20 pounds.
8. Each tech must participate in mandatory ongoing educational sessions regarding fanny pack contents.
9. Each tech must also carry at all times a bedpan in one hand and a urinal in the other
10. Each tech must forfeit all dignity and self-worth to the almighty process improvement initiative.

Jacob’s hope is to stick it to those self righteous, egotistical, eager, adrenaline junky techs in the ER.  Next on her agenda is to delegate more housekeeping tasks to ICU nurses, such as plunging toilets and mopping floors