WASHINGTON, DC—Medical students everywhere have reportedly finally mastered the differences between nephritic and nephrotic syndromes, but just as they were preparing to ace their Renal exams, the American Society of Nephrology (ASN) dropped a bomb. Fearing that the aforementioned syndromes were no longer challenging enough, the nation’s leading nephrology experts have announced the discovery of 3 more renal syndromes: nephratic, nephretic and nephrutic.
Unapologetic ASN leaders claim they had no choice but to unleash these wickedly complex disorders upon the unsuspecting medical community. “The nephrotic and nephritic syndromes are not the behemoths they once were,” said ASN mascot Sydney the Kidney. “For many decades, they stumped medical students with their similar-sounding names, overlapping features, primary causes named after boring-as-hell histologic findings (we’re so bored just typing the word ‘histologic’), and 15 gazillion secondary causes.
“Now everyone’s figured them out and they’re crushing their Renal exams, turning us into a laughingstock,” complained Sydney, “so we had to do something.” The mascot then slapped on a reddish-brown hat that said “#MRSA” and proclaimed to a cheering crowd of kidney specialists: “We want MRSA! It’s time to Make Renal Super-hard Again!”
They might indeed get their wish. The 3 new syndromes appear to be incredibly complicated and illogical, and yet, they are fair game for all tests, effective immediately.
Some of the major features are highlighted below, but beware, this list is neither comprehensive nor comprehensible:
1. While nephritic and nephrotic syndromes’ primary causes are based on histologic (that is, boring) findings seen on electron microscopy, those of nephratic, nephretic, and nephrutic syndromes are based on subatomic findings seen on quantum microscopy. Examples include Minimal Charge Disease, Proton Nephropathy and Rapidly Progressive Neutronitis.
2. People with nephritic syndrome often produce what’s called Coca-cola urine, but that’s not the case for those with nephratic syndrome; they make Pepsi-cola urine instead. By sight, the urine of both syndromes appears the same, but there are actually subtle differences in urine ingredients, distinguishable only by a taste test. (Guess who’s doing the tasting? Medical students, of course!)
3. While mild edema may be seen in nephritic syndrome and periorbital edema in nephrotic, peri-butt-al edema is seen in nephrutic, edamame overload in nephratic and enema-dependent constipation in nephretic (Sydney the Kidney’s helpful memory tip: bUtt edema = nephrUtic, edAmame = nephrAtic, and enEma = nephrEtic).
Needless to say, medical students everywhere are not pleased about the nephratic, nephretic, nephritic, nephrotic, and nephrutic syndromes, and they have but one piece of advice for the ASN nephrologists: “Go fack, feck, fick, fock, and f**k yourselves!
