NEW YORK, NY—Mocked for years for its unpopular line of very long medical equipment, Manhattan Big & Tall Medical Supplies is finally getting the last laugh. With health care workers wishing to keep a healthy distance between themselves and COVID-19 patients, there has been a sudden surge in demand for 6-foot-long stethoscopes, which allow practitioners to stand at least 6 feet away while listening to lung sounds.
While regular stethoscopes are slightly longer than 2 feet, the ones at the Big & Tall Shop start at 6 feet. “We initially made these for 7-foot-tall physicians,” said shop owner Hugh Tallman, “but turns out they don’t exist (they all smartly went to the NBA where they could make money.) But now, our stuff is flying off the shelves because suddenly docs and nurses don’t wanna be anywhere near their patients. (Ed note: um, we never did!)
“The only complaint we get from clinicians,” Mr. Tallman continued, “is that 6 feet isn’t quite far enough! So, we’ve recently added 10-, 24-, and 60-foot-long stethoscopes. Oh, and we even got a 1,000-mile-long stethoscope for telehealth visits.”
Of course, the Big & Tall store sells much more than just extra-long stethoscopes. Here’s a sampling of their other social distancing-friendly offerings:
1. Extra-Long Foam Fingers—These popular items for sports fans have been retooled by extending the finger 6 more feet, making them the perfect tool for long distance rectal exams. “The soft foam makes for a much more pleasant experience,” said a smiling patient.
2. Six-foot-long Reflex Hammers—Unexpectedly, there have been a few hiccups with this one. “I gotta say the extra long reflex hammer really hurts,” said one patient. “Doc kept missing my knee and whacking me right in the balls! So, I kept punching him in the face!” Asked for comment, his beaten and bruised doctor replied, “I’d say his reflexes work just fine!”
3. Extra-Long Speculums—Women can now relax knowing that the COVID-19 pandemic won’t delay their vaginal exams. But early reviews of the very long speculum are surprisingly negative. “Yeah, it’s just not that comfortable having a 6-foot-long object inside of you,” said one woman. “Sometimes, smaller is better.”
Physicians of all different specialties, however, seem to be pleased with these products and are giving the shop lots of business…that is, except for orthopedists, dermatologists, psychiatrists, etc who continue to have absolutely no need for stethoscopes, six feet long or not.
