Dr. Anthony Fauci, the esteemed director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, announced this morning that he will be stepping down from his position effective immediately. “I have not come to this decision lightly, and it is not without sadness that I make this announcement, but the time has come for me to move on after 36 years as the director of the NIAID.” Fauci, who has advised 6 presidents, beginning with Ronald Reagan during the height of the HIV/AIDS crisis, has faced significant criticism recently from both politicians as well as average citizens who have easily figured out how to stop the spread of Coronavirus by “doing their own research.”
“It is clear that in this age of the internet and social media, anyone can figure out quite easily how to stop a pandemic,” said Fauci. “They know that I’ve been somewhat of an alarmist; trying to stop deaths, particularly in older people, who as we all know would have kicked the bucket sooner or later. I’ve also been conspiring to take away their constitutional rights by advising everyone to wear a mask, but they have seen right through it. I’m just not able to effectively do my job at this point in time.”
Dr. Fauci decided that his next move is to join the Washington Nationals coaching staff, after throwing out the first pitch at their home opener. “Admittedly, my curve ball was a bit flat, but that’s not particularly relevant. Last night I Googled ‘how to pitch a baseball’ and gained the expertise needed to advise the Nationals’ top pitchers.”
The general manager of the Nationals, Mike Rizzo commented, “We are thrilled to have Dr. Fauci join our staff. We need great minds who come from different backgrounds to help us think outside the box.” Rizzo continued, “We are looking for a repeat our World Series victory, and we know that Dr. Fauci will skillfully advise our pitchers both on their throwing mechanics, and on avoiding Coronavirus. There is no other team in the MLB that has that level of expertise.”
