ROANOKE, VA – Hospital administration at Our Lady of the Chronic Abdominal Migraines Hospital in Roanoke has agreed to staff requests for emergency cyanide kits to be stocked in the Emergency Department Pyxis machine.

Each kit contains 50 cyanide pills which can be ingested by staff if everyone in the department or floor agrees that a shift has become unbearable and that they can no longer go on as a group.

Janie DiPalermo, a charge nurse in the ED at OLCAM, was available for comment.  “It is comforting to know that there is a way out if we are having one of those soul-crushing night shifts.”

“It used to be that our only hope was the clock hitting 0700, which seemed to never actually happen.  Now, when the lobby swells to 40 angry souls at 11:30 p.m. and EMS is relentlessly radioing in to demand rooms that we don’t have for patients calling 911, we have hope.  We can all meet at the main Pyxis, say a quick prayer, toss it down the hatch, and wait for the Sweet Angel of Death to come and save us.”

“We had almost given up on administrators ever doing anything which would help those of us in the trenches.  They had denied our requests for vacation days, fewer days on call, bathroom breaks, functioning computers, more nursing and support staff instead of less, and less pushback from the wards upstairs.  It was becoming hopeless, but they really came through on this one.  It’s nice to know that they really do look out for us.”