Home Editor's Picks Administrator Says Ideal Hospital Would Have 10,000 Beds, 10,000 Administrators, and Maybe a Few Medical People Too

Administrator Says Ideal Hospital Would Have 10,000 Beds, 10,000 Administrators, and Maybe a Few Medical People Too

Dr. 99
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Administrator Says Ideal Hospital Would Have 10,000 Beds, 10,000 Administrators, and Maybe a Few Medical People Too

NEW YORK, NY – In an interview with the New England Journal of Administration (NEJA), hospital administrator Jason Wilcox stated his vision for the hospital of the future, stating that the ideal hospital would have 10,000 beds, 10,000 administrators, and maybe a few medical people too, depending on the budget that upcoming fiscal year.

“Everyone knows that the key to providing high-quality care to our patients is by having more hospital administrators,” said Wilcox.

According to Wilcox, the ideal hospital would have enough beds to thrive financially; 10,000 beds would be the minimum number, though 20,000 beds is not outside the realm of possibility.  To ensure maximal quality, his ideal hospital would have a 1:1 ratio of administrators to patients for a total of 10,000 hospital administrators.

“The key to cost-savings is in trimming the fat,” explained Wilcox, while sipping on a coffee mug made out of gold.  “How do we trim the fat?  Get rid of nurses, doctors, nurse practitioners, physician assistants, social workers, techs, physical therapists, occupational therapists, nutritionists, pharmacists, and so on.”  In Wilcox’s model known as the Superb Hospital of Ideal Things (SHIT), 1 nurse, 1 doctor, and 1 social worker “should be plenty” to staff a hospital with 10,000 patients.

GomerBlog asked Wilcox if he was worried about burnout.

“Of course, I’m worried about burnout,” said Wilcox, as he got his shoes shined by a fleet of laid off health care practitioners.  “That’s why we want to have more administrators, so that we can thrive and continue to administrate the hell out of this place.”

Wilcox believes a true golden age of medicine is on the horizon so it is in the best interest of health care practitioners to let go and let administrators do their thing.

“They say we’re at a disadvantage because we know nothing about medicine,” said Wilcox, defending fellow hospital administrators.  “Let me say this: medicine is practiced in a hospital and I run that hospital.   So suck it.”

Wilcox believes there are ways to save besides cutting essential health care staff.  Ideas include replacing electricity with candles; substituting soap, water, and alcohol-based sanitizers with pestilence and disease; removing electronic medical records and paper charts in favor of stone and chisel or feather pens and scrolls; and possibly tearing down the hospital entirely and just providing care in open parking lots naked, thereby saving on hospital gowns, scrubs, and white coats.

55 COMMENTS

  7. Let’s be real. There should be half of that many administrators, the other half need to be replaced with press ganey associates or “patient” fluffers. Remember it’s all about the press ganey!!! Morbidity and mortality….. What’s that???

  27. And then let’s make sure all the patients complain about how rich the one doctor is and how he only cares about all the money he makes while he runs from room to room seeing all 10,000 patients by himself. And then let’s fire that doctor for poor patient satisfaction scores.

  34. And they can hire some consultants to do studies about how to “improve the process” and “do more with less” on the off chance this doesn’t work out. YES!!! Administrate the hell out of it, baby! Patent outcomes? Psh!! Dead people are ALWAYS satisfied, and in the end, that’s what really counts. ;-)

  39. A pure Utopia, how can we fix what is wrong with healthcare, if we don’t have more administrators to tell us we are doing it wrong. I think a plan should be immediately implemented to fly our administrators to Las Vegas and Boca Raton on fact finding missions to visit other administrators and pay them to come to our hospital and tell us why their new program will help us succeed with identifying the ways to improve satisfaction scores without actually improving anything.

    The new catchy ways promoting hospitals that have absolutely nothing to do with patient care is the next big thing. The newest training seminars that are being mandated for all staff is the DEATH ( Downplay Education And Teach Hackneyed) So with administrations help DEATH will be coming to your hospital.

  40. A pure Utopia, how can we fix what is wrong with healthcare, if we don’t have more administrators to tell us we are doing it wrong. I think a plan should be immediately implemented to fly our administrators to Las Vegas and Boca Raton on fact finding missions to visit other administrators and pay them to come to our hospital and tell us why their new program will help us succeed with identifying the ways to improve satisfaction scores without actually improving anything.

    The new catchy ways promoting hospitals that have absolutely nothing to do with patient care is the next big thing. The newest training seminars that are being mandated for all staff is the DEATH ( Downplay Education And Teach Hackneyed) So with administrations help DEATH will be coming to your hospital.

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