EVERY CLINICAL SETTING, UNITED STATES – Healthcare providers across the United States are hoping it’s an early holiday present in 2016, as every single one of them across the medical spectrum drafts a letter of resignation in hopes of a Powerball miracle. The next Powerball drawing is on Wednesday January 13, 2016.
“Hmmm, how should I word this?” each health care provider across the country optimistically ponders with glee and a grin, knowing that odds of 1 in 292.2 million is dramatically better than odds of 0 in 292.2 million, thus conferring something quite important: hope. Hope is something that has been lost to health care providers since the turn of the century.
“I plan on typing out an intricate series of 1’s, slashes, and parentheses to draw out the subtle but strong shape of a middle finger,” said one anonymous primary care physician (or hospitalist), as she (or he) practices her (or his) anonymity once she (or he) wins the lottery. “How I feel is best conveyed with an extended and rigid third finger.”
According to a poll of a thousand disgruntled health care professionals, the most popular shapes drawn within a resignation letter are male genitalia, female genitalia, and poop. The most popular resignation letter phrases not involving vulgarity include “Peace out!” “Cha-CHING!” and “YOLO!” The most popular resignation letter phrase involving vulgarity, by a landslide, is “F*** YOU!” Interestingly, the phrase “Thank you” was never mentioned.
Each healthcare provider has invested anywhere from $10 to $5,000 on the upcoming Powerball drawing, either alone or as part of a group of burned out individuals. Think this isn’t the case? Walk around your clinic or hospital; walk through any cafeteria, corridor, patient room, surgical suite, or nurses station. No one’s talking patient care; everyone’s talking Powerball and exchanging cash like street drugs. And everyone’s drafting a kickass resignation letter.
Experts believe 100% of resignation letters in the works are 100% unprofessional and inappropriate, and thus, in the opinion of healthcare providers nationwide, 100% appropriate. As the Powerball draws closer, each and everyone will continue to scribble, edit, and finalize their magnum opus into the wee hours of the night.
“Dear Evil Powers That Be,” reads the draft of one nurse, her lifelong dream of being a nurse now happily replaced with a weeklong dream of being an overnight billionaire. “I resign. I also plan on buying the company that makes Dilaudid, buying an F-22 fighter jet, and destroying said company that makes Dilaudid with said F-22 fighter jet.”
According to sources close to GomerBlog, there is possibly one healthcare provider in this country of ours who has somehow not purchased a lottery ticket: a clueless urologist who believes that Powerball is not a lottery but a new emergent urologic condition.
